New Life's Eve

Today is my last day. Tomorrow will be my first.

It's finally here. As of 1:00 pm this afternoon, I will be a free man. Free of the bonds of the 9-5 (8:30-5:30), free of the strains of conformity, free of the arrogant and hypocritical condescension of my superiors. Starting tomorrow, I work for myself. For how long and to what degree of success, only time will tell.

What an appropriate last day - the final day of the decade. This next decade is mine. I will become healthy - like, REALLY, genuinely healthy - I will sell a novel, sell a screenplay, stage my stand-up, book some paying roles, etc. It's the "etc" that I'm really pumped about. Sky's the limit.

I feel a definite transformation taking place in me. I'm getting back to where I was a decade ago, when I was young and enthusiastic and the world seemed full of possibilities. It's been a long time, but I welcome back the feeling wholeheartedly. I'm scared shitless, but couldn't be happier.

And I have the most amazing, most wonderfully supportive and beautiful person I have ever met to hold my hand and take the journey with me. I couldn't be doing this without her.

It's time. No more delays, no more excuses. Now, this time around, it's succeed or go hungry.

And you all know how much I'd hate to go hungry.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 69 weight: 215.9 lbs
Total loss: 6.5 lbs

Indiana Kreisman and the Lost Bagel Bites

I was cleaning some stuff out of my fridge and freezer and found a box of never-opened bagel bites that had fallen behind the icebox.

Let the games begin.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 67 weight: 216.0 lbs
Total loss: 6.4 lbs

Forgive Me, Pizza, For I Have Sinned

Great.

When I started this whole blog deal-i-o, I had a problem - I needed to figure out how to lose weight. Now it seems I have a secondary dilemma - I need to figure out how to keep a daily blog. Just one more thing I need to fix. Awesome.

It's easy to explain why - it was Christmas Eve, and then it was Christmas, and then it was the day after Christmas, and then it was two days after Christmas. Aside from the busy-ness of it all, I was consuming things I shouldn't have, and I knew it. And one doesn't necessarily want to run right to their computer and blog about how much one has disappointed oneself. It wouldn't be so easy to go to confessional if, instead of just that one priest fellow, your entire family and circle of friends were on the other side of that screen.

I'm going to keep trying though - that's all I can do. Hopefully I'll get the hang of this sooner or later. Time will tell, but I think the beginning of 2010 is going to be the start of bigger and better things, the 'bigger' not referring to the size of my ass.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 66 weight: 216.2 lbs
Total loss: 6.2 lbs

I'd Like to See You Not Eat Kahlua Cake

I feel like I'm mainly back on track food-wise, although I did have a slice of kahlua cake that one of my poker friends baked and brought to the game last night. It was as delicious as you might imagine. She asked me if I wanted her to leave the rest of it and, against my hungrier judgment, I said no.

Going out to eat with Erin tonight. I'm starving (yes - like the children in Africa), so I'm going to have to consume a bundle, but I'll do my best to pick something that won't completely stuff up my arteries.

I'm also TIRED. Took a nap on my lunch break today, and am fighting off another one as I write this. I am boring myself to SLEEP.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 61 weight: 215.2 lbs
Total loss: 7.2 lbs

The Stomach Wants What It Wants

I actually did a pretty good job yesterday - I was no Gandhi, of course, but I did stick to just 3 Special K bars during the day, a Weight Watchers TV dinner, a few oatmeal squares and a little fruit. For me, that's pretty much the equivalent of a cleanse.

Done so-so today - I had a couple bad things, but haven't eaten much. So, okay, I haven't put any nutrients into my body today, but nutrients get too much press, in my opinion. Besides, that one cookie had a raspberry in it, I think.

I did get some exercise running around a bit today as well, helping out at work with a Video Blog shoot. With cameraman Rob, who is a giant prick. I hope you're reading this right now, Cameraman Rob. You need to get your head out of your ass. You're not all that, fuckstick.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 60 weight: 215.4 lbs
Total loss: 7.0 lbs

And On the 59th Day He Fasted

Okay, so this hasn't been going so well. Holiday party on Saturday night, holiday party last night, and little to no self-control at either.

But I don't want you, my loyal readers (my parents and girlfriend), to start doubting that I'm going to make this happen - the fact is that, although I may have put a few pounds back on since reaching my low point, I am on the verge of a great surge in my weight loss efforts.

My last day of work is now officially 12/31, which means that, beginning 1/1 (how appropriate!), I will be away from the temptations of the office kitchen, I will have less money with which to buy food, and will have plenty of time and energy to go regularly to the gym. The pounds are going to come off in a hurry - I feel confident about this. Besides, I've put on less weight this season than I usually do at the holidays, so even if I am doing myself harm, at least it's less harm than I usually do myself.

So today I'm fasting. Not COMPLETELY, of course - I have a hard enough time not eating when I'm NOT hungry. But I haven't eaten anything yet today, and am going to see how long I can keep it going. Just a one-day thing, to give my stomach a rest and shrink it back down a few sizes.

But my, am I hungry already. Oo-ee...

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 59 weight: I'm afraid of the scale
Total loss: You're like a broken record

Just Barely a Blog Post

Off to a White Trash Christmas Party!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 58 weight: Not sure
Total loss: Lay off me

Oh No!

Oh no! I really, seriously, honestly thought I wrote my blog yesterday! I was thinking about it last night, and asked myself, "Wait - did I write my blog today?" and after some consideration I said to myself, "Yes, I did indeed write my blog today." THAT'S why I didn't write yesterday - not out of laziness or shame, but out of pure, stupid forgetfulness! DAMMIT!

Anyway, I haven't weighed myself in a few days, so I don't know what to tell you. I'm happy to not be in my office right now, with shit galore all over the place, I can say that much.

Going to a holiday party tonight, and another tomorrow. I'm sure they'll be fun, but damn. What am I supposed to do? Nosh on carrots like a giant dork? I suppose that technically I COULD, but I'm pretty certain Santa would be ashamed of me. I'd rather not take that chance.

I was going to ask Jamey this morning if he'd like to play tennis, but he had to go caroling. Oh yes. My roommate carols.

At least I got plenty of sleep last night. I actually took a 4 hour nap when I got home from work yesterday, which was... AMAZING. And then another 7 hours or so later on. So I'm well-rested. Well-rested and fat. Like my good friend Santa.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 56-57 weight: Does it really matter?
Total loss: Can't we all just get along?

No Rest for the Flabby

I'm going to need to make some serious changes to my sleep habits. I'm realizing that my routine nights of 3, 4, 5 hours of sleep have the following negative effects:

1) Getting lots of rest helps you lose weight. I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere.
2) I'm always too tired to go to the gym.
3) This leaves 19, 20, 21 hours for potential eating.

Of course, once I am free of the bonds of the 9 to 5, this will be an easier thing to turn around. I still intend to be pretty strict with myself about putting in full days of work, but I'm sure as hell not starting at NINE, for Chrissakes.

I'm going to try to work out tonight - at LEAST go for a long, brisk walk. The problem is that I got 3 hours of sleep on Tuesday night and about 5 hours last night. So I'm hurtin'.

I'm also beginning to realize that Cardball - the card game I invented that simulates the game of football - is not as much exercise as the real thing. I played two games yesterday and barely broke a sweat. I did, however, improve to 11-3 on the season, so put that on your spoon and eat it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 55 weight: Two-hundred-something
Total loss: You do the math

There Will Be Blood Sausage III: Return of Jafar

I am writing this post purely to fulfill my obligation to write three posts today.

There. I did it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

There Will Be Blood Sausage II

I like the idea that this post is in any way a continuation of the last one. As if I said anything whatsoever in my previous post.

Things have not been going well on the weight loss front, I'll be honest. Perhaps that is why I've had such a difficult time making myself sit down to write - because I don't have any good news to report. I know it's the holidays, but I've said all along that I don't want to make excuses - there are plenty of people who are able to resist temptation no matter the season. There's no reason I couldn't be one of those people.

After getting off to a good start, I have now gone backwards a bit, losing a total of 6.6 pounds in 54 days. That's 0.12 pounds per day. At this rate, it would take me 4 years and 359 days to get down to 0 pounds. I'm sorry, but that's just too long to wait to achieve weightlessness.

It comes down to this - I NEED to write here every day. Once I started getting lax about the blog, my body started getting lax about not being fat. And I KNOW there's a correlation - that's why I started this damn blog in the first place.

So here's my New Year's resolution a bit early - keep up with my blog every day that I have computer access. If nothing else, it keeps me out of the kitchen for a few minutes.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

There Will Be Blood Sausage

Again, not sure what the title of this post has to do with anything. I just like it. And you can't do anything about it, because it's my blog. So suck it.

As penance for me going so long without writing my blog, I will today attempt to write three separate posts to make up for it.

That being the case, I should probably try to keep these pretty short.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 48-53 weight: 97,848 grams
Total loss: .0022 metric tons

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

The Blog of Eternal Stench

The title of this post has nothing whatsoever to do with anything. I just thought of it, and I had to use it. If you don't get the reference, you really need to get your Labyrinth on.

I wish it wasn't so dang cold outside. Yes, I'm sorry, my Midwest readers, I am indeed complaining about the frigid temperatures of Southern California. It's not my fault that you have chosen to continue living in such an uninhabitable environment. I moved my chilly ass out of there. And I have every right to complain, as all things are relative. So yeah. I'm freezing.

Kind of felt like taking a walk/jog tonight, too, so that's unfortunate. I'm mostly better, but I still have too much of a lingering cough to dare chance it.

There is a cookie basket in the kitchen. I repeat: there is a cookie basket in the kitchen. And it's from Cheryl & Co. RIGHT? Of course I had a cookie. I'm human. I'm not one of those bloodless, heartless, brainless automatons who can look at a Cheryl & Co. cookie basket and say, "Oh yeah, none for me, thanks." Whatever, robot.

You remind me of the babe. What babe? Babe with the power. What power? Power of voodoo. Who do? You do? Do what? Remind me of the babe.

Dance, magic. Dance.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 48 weight: 215.2 lbs
Total loss: 7.2 lbs

Damage Control to Major Todd

Okay - my family and their delicious, sirenous lasagna are now gone, so I can get back to the business of losing my bigness.

I continue to hover in weight these days, which is not so good. But I'm feeling positive nonetheless. First of all, despite my resolve to not resort to excuses, it IS the holidays, and my family DID just visit. Maintaining for the time being is not the WORST thing in the world. But I am also keeping in mind that I will soon have plenty more time to be at the gym, and plenty less money with which to buy food. Talk about setting yourself up for success.

I've been back to eating healthier the last couple days, and my appetite has been lessened due to my recent re-illness, so that's helping things along. I bought a citrus salad I think I might eat tonight. Among other things, of course.

I just saw a picture of myself from college that I had never seen. I look skinny and passably handsome in it. I'm sure some of that is due to the fact that I wasn't a Baldy McBalderson back then, but there's no reason I could not someday look like, at the very least, a HAIRLESS Russell Crowe. It's better than a hairless Drew Carey.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 45-46 weight: Neither here nor there
Total loss: Wish I could tell you

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 47 weight: 215.6 lbs
Total loss: 6.8 lbs

Disneylard

My family is still in town and I haven't spent too much time at a computer, hence the lapse between posts. I REALLY, REALLY swear I'm going to get back to doing this daily, but it's been tough to keep it up as of late. The fam flies out Monday morning, so I should be able to get back into the swing of things after then.

Yesterday we spent all day at Disneyland. Guess what they have at Disneyland. Rides, sure. Yeah, they have a few rides. But FOOD. Ohmigod - FOOD.

We stayed at a hotel near the park the night before and had a late breakfast before heading over, so I was thinking we might get away with just having one more meal later in the day, and I might escape with my caloric intake for the day still reasonably intact. But there was that ice cream place on Paradise Pier that does the different flavor swirls, and there was a chocolate peanut butter sandwich thing-a-ma-bob that I had to buy at one point. And I bought a coffee so strong that it required 5 creamers and 4 packs of sugar in order to make it palatable. These things added up.

I also downed half a turkey club sandwich with potato salad and half a bowl of Pasta Jumbalaya at a New Orleans place in Downtown Disney. We did a good deal of walking during the course of the day at least, but Disneyland is certainly not for the fat of heart.

Tonight we hung around my apartment and played games, but there was also a pizza that got ordered, and some of it may have found its way into my belly. Despite my recent slip-ups, I'm doing all right - down a few tenths since my last post, although I still need to turn it up to get back down to my low, which I'd like to do posthaste.

Tomorrow night Erin and my mother are co-cooking the rest of us a certain-to-be-amazing homemade dinner. Can't wait, but hope they're not planning to deep-fry anything. My self-control needs a vacation.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 41-43 weight: Reply hazy, try again
Total loss: Ask again later

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 44 weight: 214.8 lbs
Total loss: 7.6 lbs

That's What I Get

I went a few days without writing a post, and look what happened. I gained back about a pound and a half. Well, it's my own damn fault, now isn't it?

Granted, only gaining back a pound and a half is not the worst thing in the world to happen over the course of Thanksgiving weekend. I've really made it tough on myself, starting out this diet with a cruise, immediately followed by the holidays. BUT - no more excuses! I was good today, and shall tally forth!

The cookie baskets have begun arriving in the office. Probably best that I'm off for the next three days. There were some peanut blossoms in that last one. Good thing nobody broke the plastic on it before I left.

And... I'm getting sick again. Excellent. Most likely due to the mold that must certainly be forming in our tenement. I'm tired of this - this being sick business. I may be starting a new blog - Condemn the Phlegm. You should go follow that one, too. Collect the whole set.

The fam gets in tonight! Any minute, as a matter of fact! And my mother has sworn that she brought no chocolate with her! I'll believe it when I see it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 37-39 weight: Not good
Total loss: 3 days

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 40 weight: 215.1 lbs
Total loss: 7.3 lbs

Damn You, Pilgrims

To be honest, I was a pretty good boy this Thanksgiving. I saved up my points for dinner, although I certainly went well over my 35 allotted when the time came. But I only had seconds of a few choice items (including my girlfriend's record-breakingly good turkey), and didn't go crazy on any of them. I tasted a few different desserts, but once again kept the portion sizes very small.

It was actually today that was worse. I spent all day on set for a short film. I've blocked out most of my intake for the day, but I think there were chocolate cupcakes involved, and I'm fairly certain that some pizza made an appearance. I didn't gorge myself all day or anything, but I definitely partook of some unhealthy items.

We'll see what the scale has in store for me tomorrow, but yesterday I hit the 9-pound mark! That's half of 18 pounds! Which is an arbitrary number, but still very impressive-sounding!

Tomorrow I'm going to a hockey game with my brother, which should be good exercise. For the hockey players, not for me.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 35 weight: 213.4 lbs
Total loss: 9.0 lbs

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 36 weight: 213.6 lbs
Total loss: 8.8 lbs

I Saw a Koala Today!

Oh wait - that's not me, that would be my fellow blogger, Nikki Klecha, who is in Australia doing and seeing all kinds of interesting things. SHOUT OUT! Check out her awesome blog: http://gratefulsparrow.blogspot.com/

It's probably best. If I'd seen a koala, I likely would have eaten it.

Actually, have been doing well in my efforts to undo the nasty effects of game night. Almost back down to my low.

Had beef vegetable soup for lunch yesterday (which looked like "beer vegetable soup" on the specials board), and a salad for dinner. Snacked only minimally on Baked Lays and pretzels during poker. Really only after I got knocked out and had the stress noshies.

Stress noshies. I just coined that. Dig it.

I was just thinking that I'm really in a bad way when it comes to trying to lose weight. Some people have problems with portion control, others have a sweet tooth, etc. I have realized that all of the following apply to me:

1) I have problems with portion control
2) I have a sweet tooth
3) I hate vegetables
4) I hate to exercise
5) I love bread
6) I love meat and cheese
7) I like to snack in between meals
8) I spend a lot of time in a sedentary state at a computer
9) I have crappy metabolism
10) I have voices that are always telling me to eat

That's a lot to overcome.

But overcome it I will.

Dammit.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 33 weight: 214.4 lbs
Total loss: 8.0 lbs

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 34 weight: 214.0 lbs
Total loss: 8.4 lbs

Unsalted Almonds Can Eat Me

Accidentally picked up a tin of unsalted almonds on my last trip to the grocery store. Night and day, let me tell you. Salted almonds? A delicious treat. Unsalted almonds? Yes, I would like some petrified birch bark with traces of sand, that'd be great. Sheesh. Who invented this shit?

Anyway, didn't weigh myself today, so who knows. Ate better than this weekend, that's for sure, but couldn't make myself go to the gym. No good. Have to stop making excuses.

Tomorrow is poker night though. That's a good excuse.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 32 weight: More than a breadbox
Total loss: Less than a breadbox

Drinkin' It Up on Gumball Pass

Last night was game night. We turned Candyland into a drinking game. Word.

I knew I needed to save up points, so I was pretty good all day up until people started arriving, but once the pasta salads and turkey meatballs and chicken tacos and chocolate chip cookies started parading into my apartment, it was Bad News Bears.

I didn't drink much, but I think that the little I did drink seriously impaired my judgment with regard to incoming comestibles. There certainly seemed to be a steady stream of food headed down my esophagus, and I didn't seem to much notice or care. And now there is leftover badness in my fridge. Thank goodness not every night is game night.

So I put a little bit back on this weekend, but that's okay - I just need to shake it off and go back to work. Tomorrow - banana for breakfast, salad for lunch, hour at the gym, light dinner. Let's do it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 31 weight: 215.2 lbs
Total loss: 7.2 lbs

I Know, I Know, I Know

Yes, I know what you're thinking. Nice work on the blog, Kreisman. Way to keep up with it every day like you said you would. I guess this is where you lose motivation and start piling the pounds back on, eh? Can't even stick to a simple blog...

Well look here - I don't appreciate your attitude. You don't know me. Okay, yes - I've slacked a bit on the blog in the past few days. But I've been a tad busy, if you must know, and besides, I've been staying completely on task in the weight loss department.

In fact, your utter lack of faith in me is a bit disheartening, if I'm being honest. How are we ever going to further our blogger-follower relationship if you can't give me a little credit? I don't know. Maybe I'm being a little too defensive. I might have the same thoughts running through my head if I were you.

Truce?

Anyway, I went for a 2-hour, fast-paced walk last night. It was inspired more by a stressful day than the desire to burn off some calories, but ah well. Result was the same. I was a sweaty mess by the time I walked back through the door, and that's what counts.

Did I stop for a bite of frozen yogurt halfway through my walk? YES I DID. But come on. Are you telling me I didn't earn at least a little treat? Jesus - just when I felt like we were moving past all this...

I can feel my stomach shrinking, that's for sure. I am now regularly leaving food on my plate, with no regard for the starving children in Africa. I am fixing myself smaller portions of things, snacking on veggies (sometimes), and eating salads routinely. And many of the times that I usually would not be able to resist nibbling on something naughty, I am now somehow finding the strength to look the offending party in the eye and say, "Not today, carbohydrates. Find yourself another sucker."

Mmm. Sucker.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 30 weight: 213.8 lbs
Total loss: 8.6 lbs

Short Blog

I am TIRED. This is going to be a short blog.

I had some M&Ms tonight. I feel bad about it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 27 weight: 214.8 lbs
Total loss: 7.6 lbs

Hunter Freberg, Director of Stan Freberg

I saw a fascinating comedic legend and his obnoxious wife at the Castle last night. Stan Freberg, multiple emmy- and grammy-award winner, inductee into the Radio Hall of Fame, famed voice artist, etc., told a pretty inspiring story about how he got discovered way back when. He hopped on a bus at 19 years old, got off in Hollywood, walked into a random talent agency office, inquired about representation, did a few voices, and was cast doing voice-over work in a variety of projects by some top Hollywood producers within 24 hours. I may have to try that bus thing.

In response to my mother’s concerned comments, I am, in fact, eating plenty of fruits and vegetables. I’ve been eating a salad just about every other day, and have been frequently snacking on raw broccoli and carrots. SO THERE.

Jamey and I worked on our sitcom pilot for a couple of hours on Sunday. It’s going to be slow-going, I think, as is often the case when you get together two people with very particular ideas about what will bring the funny, but it’s going to be a very rewarding process in the end, I’m sure. If anyone knows Jason Alexander, please have him give me a call. We have a part for him.

Coming up on the end of Month 1 of this weight loss deal-i-o. I really want to hit the 10-pound mark by then, but I’m not going to beat myself up if I fall short. I did just get back from a freakin’ cruise, after all.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 25 weight: 216.3 lbs
Total loss: 6.1 lbs

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 26 weight: 215.4 lbs
Total loss: 7.0 lbs

Shop 'Til I Drop

I've been better lately about what I buy when I go grocery shopping. Now I have to start being better about how I eat once I get the groceries home.

It's always my greatest moment of weakness - the moment I unload all of that brand spanking new food. All those delicious groceries, just hanging out in my refrigerator, daring me to at least sample each of them. I can't, for example, try the salted almonds without also trying a Weight Watchers ice cream bar. It wouldn't be fair to the ice cream.

So yeah - have to start changing my habits in that department.

I drew out a 'Plan of Action' yesterday - a detailed, bulleted list of everything I want to accomplish and the means to accomplish it. This includes writing deadlines, writing submission deadlines, networking opportunities, a timeline to get my stand-up routine on its feet, audition listings, etc. Time to start following through.

Jamey and I just spent a couple of hours working on our sitcom pilot. Step aside, According to Jim.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 24 weight: 216.2 lbs
Total loss: 6.2 lbs

The Scintillating Game of Soccer

Hey - not so bad!

I only put on a pound and a half during the cruise, and I have already taken it off and achieved a new low point! (high point?)

Yesterday, all I had until about 9:00 pm was a few hard-boiled eggs and a power bar, and I fit in a game of tennis with Jamey, which I won. I then met up with my brother, who had scored a couple free tickets to the MLS Western Conference Championship game between the L.A. Galaxy and the Houston Dynamo.

Most. Ridiculous. Game. Ever.

I had never watched a full game of soccer before, let alone seen it live. If they were all just trying to stay in shape, then bravo - I'm sure they sweated off a pound or two each. But as a sport, it just plain sucks, and I challenge anyone to change my mind on the subject. The final score was 0-0 at the end of regulation. And that's pretty typical. So for 90 minutes of play, nothing happened. THRILLING. The field was pretty though.

I did get the snackies during the game and later when hanging out at my brother's place, but the scale tells me that it wasn't all that terrible.

Have had a couple more eggs, some soup, and some almonds so far today. We're back in business, baby!

P.S. I didn't really beat Jamey at tennis. This was just my way of making sure that he's reading my blog.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 22 weight: 217.1 lbs
Total loss: 5.3 lbs

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 23 weight: 215.3 lbs
Total loss: 7.1 lbs

Going Overboard

Cruises are evil.

Don't get me wrong - it's the best kind of evil. The kind of evil you want to jump right back into, spend more time with, get to know a little better. But when you're trying to not gain 150 pounds - they're downright dastardly.

It was one of the best trips I've ever taken, and I'm bummed as all get-out to be back home, but my oh my. Before you even get on the ship, US Customs offers you a plate of freshly baked brownies with vanilla ice cream. You can hardly turn them down, not after they give you that look.

Then, immediately after stepping aboard, you are roughly grabbed up by four burly stewards who hold you down while a fifth forces breakfast sausages and slices of New York strip steak down your gullet, massaging your neck to make sure you swallow.

Once you finally make it to your stateroom, you find plates upon glasses upon trays of various carb-traps and calorie-cocktails with notes affixed that say such things as "Eat this or face the consequences" and "Imbibe this or perish." You notice that an array of security cameras frequently pans across the sumptuous buffet to verify that you are indeed following their instructions.

And so forth.

All right, so I could have done worse. I did make a number of health-conscious choices here and there, although they were far outweighed by my large number of health-unconscious choices. I ate some salads, steered mainly clear of some common pitfalls such as burgers, pasta, and sausages (had only 3/4 of a hot dog over the course of the 5 days, and they practically grew on the walls like ivy), and did exhibit some degree of portion control (only once went up for seconds at the buffet, and often left food on my plate).

We did a little bit of walking, especially in Ensenada and Cabo, but surely not enough to work off our food babies. Now that I'm (mostly) over my cold, I'm going to start stairclimbing and treadmilling the pounds right off.

I got home a couple of hours ago, and I'll be honest - I haven't weighed myself. I'm afraid to. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and get the bad news, but I'm concerned that I've put on everything I'd lost.

I'm just trying to focus on the fact that weight that is put on more quickly than usual can generally be taken off more quickly than usual, and gosh dang it I am going to make that happen. It's back to making smart choices and treating my body right.

But it sure was fun while it lasted.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 21 weight: Somewhere between 200 and 300 lbs
Total loss: -27.6 lbs, +/- 50 lbs

I'm Going to Be in Deep Ship

Erin and I are driving down to San Diego tonight, and then we're leaving on our cruise tomorrow! Boy, is that going to be good for my diet!

My goal over the next 5 days is not to lose but to maintain. Even if I gain a pound or two, I'm not going to beat myself up over it - I would consider it a victory. This is going to be like an alcoholic trying to get clean in a brewery.

Anyway, not sure if I'll have the ability to post over the next 5 days, but if I can, I will! Wish me luck!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 15 weight: 215.7 lbs
Total loss: 6.7 lbs

I'm Writing This Blog Post on Codeine

Please forgive me if this one's a little unfocused or nonsensical. Like - more than usual. I went to the doctor today and he prescribed me a cough syrup with Codeine. My head keeps wanting to hit the monitor. Keep it together, head. You'll be in bed soon enough.

I wonder how many points this cough syrup is. It's syrup, after all. That can't be good.

Well... turns out that was one heavy half-donut. I gained over a pound. But I'm trying to keep in mind that a person's weight naturally bounces around quite a bit, and I'm not going to record a loss every single day, no matter how hard I try, unless I start sawing off limbs. All I can do is be twice as good the next day. And it's not like I really blame the entire pound on that donut. I also had a cookie.

I know. I should be slapped.

It doesn't help that I've been sick and working out has not been a consideration for the past week. Once I start feeling better, I'm hitting the gym. HARD. I'm determined to become a beefcake, rather than someone who looks like they've been eating one.

In other news, I registered for a Writer's Market VIP package, which includes access to 8,000 markets, a subscription to Writer's Digest, etc. I'm ready to do this thing. Gonna be a famous writer, y'all.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 14 weight: 216.9 lbs
Total loss: 5.5 lbs

The Call of the Donut

I just ate half of a donut.

I couldn't help it. I'm trying to assuage my distress over the situation by reminding myself that at least I didn't eat the whole donut. Or worse - multiple donuts. And at least it wasn't jelly-filled.

Regardless, I am now beating myself up. Can't do stuff like that. Or if I do, only once every so often. As pennance, I will have a salad for lunch, eat soup for dinner, and flagellate myself without mercy for 15 minutes with a cat o' nine tails.

HOWEVER. Other than that, I've kept on task the last couple days and have dropped another near-pound. Yay me.

This blog is really short today. I'm sorry. I just don't have that much to say.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 13 weight: 215.6 lbs
Total loss: 6.8 lbs

My Eyeball Wants Out

Not sure why, but my right eyeball has felt bruised and sore for the past 24 hours. Did someone punch me in the face? If so, please come forward. No questions asked.

I racked up another 500 or so frequent matzoh miles yesterday with yet another trip to Solley's, this time to pick up soup for both myself and my girlfriend, who is now also sick. We'd better get well by Saturday. Cruise yo.

Just had a salad for lunch - went easy on the dressing. But then ate a bunch of almonds. Not a bunch - a herd. Heard of what? Herd of almonds. Of course I've heard of almonds, everyone's heard of almonds. No, I mean an almond herd. I don't care if an almond heard, I didn't say anything to be ashamed of.

Haven't weighed myself today, but I've been pretty good, so I'm not dreading the number on the scale too much at the moment. Right now, I'm finding the number on the clock more upsetting...

I keep forgetting to do my neck exercises in the morning and at night, but I've started doing them at stoplights. Probably freaking the hell out of the people stopped next to and behind me, but ah well. My neck comes first, the perception of strangers comes second.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 12 weight: unknown
Total loss: wish I could tell you

Changing My Relationship With Food

Me: Hey, food... um... can we talk?
Food: You sound weird - should I be worried?
Me: No, no... I mean, we just need to talk, that's all.
Food: O... kay...
Me: So, as you know, I've been trying to make some changes in my life. Get a fresh start, get back in touch with the old me...
Food: The old you was fat, too.
Me: Touche. No, but seriously, I think... I think I need some space.
Food: What?
Me: Don't... look, don't... freak out, okay? I still want to see you. I just think it would do us both some good if we took a little more time apart.
Food: But I don't want time apart. I like being in your belly.
Me: That's... ew. Don't talk like that.
Food: It's true. I can't help how I feel.
Me: You're... food.
Food: THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS!
Me: Actually, it does.
Food: I can't talk to you when you're like this.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 11 weight: 216.8 lbs
Total loss: 5.6 lbs

My Vitamins Are Confused

So I bought a bottle of "One A Day" vitamins. Only here's the kicker - the serving size is two. Figure that one out, Stephen Hawking.

Well, I wasn't fabulous on Halloween, but I suppose I could have been worse. I had a few beverages, had a bit of crab dip and chicken rice soup at the Castle. The real trouble started when my friends Mary, Ryan and Ashlee and I left a party to swing by Ralphs for some snacks. We got spinach dip (vegetable), potato skins (vegetable), and mozzarella sticks (shaped like some vegetables). We noshed on those while watching a scary movie (It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown).

Side note: who did the kid doing the voice of Charlie Brown have to sleep with to get that job? He was truly awful - seriously. He should be shot. (I am only able to say that in good conscience because I do not know him personally. If I actually met the guy, he might have a really sweet personality, and I would feel differently.)

Still feeling a bit under the weather, and I unfortunately used that as an excuse to completely blow the day away. While watching football this morning, I entered a 1,482 player play money 5 card draw poker tournament online. I finished 2nd. Bummer. I had a nice chip lead heads up, too. Sure would have been nice to have my complete waste of time be somewhat legitimized.

I said 'somewhat.'

I just got done doing 10 minutes of neck exercises. That's all well and good, but now I need to make sure that I keep doing them. Right after I wake up in the morning, right after work, and right before bed. Don't forget, me!

I have prepared a submission to a literary agent and will mail it out tomorrow. Even if I can send out only one a week, at least that will be progress...

Speaking of progress, went in the wrong direction weight-wise yesterday, but that's okay. It was a holiday, after all. A holiday rife with temptation. I'll take it back off in a jiffy.

Went grocery shopping today - got eggs, carrots, almonds, a couple of salads, etc. Good boy.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 10 weight: 217.6 lbs
Total loss: 4.8 lbs

I Have $400 and You Don't

Won $400 last night at a poker tournament/birthday party in West LA. Bet you wish you were me.

Funny how one's perception changes in a week's time. To be honest, I thought I slipped up a bit, but turns out I really didn't do that badly, and actually lost about another pound. I was good about completely avoiding the candy and birthday cake, but I did have a few chicken nuggets and a handful of meatballs (although I used a plate), and then another bowl of Solley's matzoh with rye bread when I got home. But I did a bit of walking, too, and ate some veggies, so maybe that evened things out.

Anyway, picked up some nice extra cruise money. If I don't blow it all on hookers.

Today is the Hall of Ween. Truthfully, I haven't been especially tempted by candy and whatnot in the past week, so I'm not super worried about that. BUT I do still enjoy me some food. And there stands to be plenty of that here and there over the course of the next 24 hours. Now that I think about it, it is almost EXACTLY like the show "24." Except, instead of having to thwart the efforts of a group of terrorists, I may have to roundhouse kick a renegate band of pasta dishes and coldcock an anti-establishment mozzarella stick or two. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.

Have not yet accomplished any of the three mini-goals I set for myself this weekend, but dude! It's only 2:30 pm on Saturday - cut me some slack! Going to head out in a few to pick up the vitamins, then off to purchase some last-minute costume accessories, then to the Magic Castle, then to a party, then to the toilet, then to bed. I've got it all laid out. Tomorrow I'll focus on the neck exercises and the writing submission. And the Bears' devastating loss to the Browns.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 9 weight: 216.8 lbs
Total loss: 5.6 lbs

Healthoween

Well this is going to suck.

No candy. No pumpkin pie. No biting people in the neck and sucking their blood. Too many calories.

Am a bit sick at the moment. Trying to fight through it, but felt pretty crappy yesterday. After work, swung by Solley's and picked up a couple bowls of matzoh ball soup. GOD BLESS THE MATZOH BALL. If you haven't had Solley's matzoh ball soup, I DEMAND that you get in your car right now and drive there. I don't care if you live 2,000 miles away, are allergic to matzoh, or don't have a driver's license. DO IT.

I did pound the four slices of rye bread that came with it, but that was really yesterday's only indiscretion. The biggest problem with being sick is that laying on your couch huddled under a blanket is 0 activity points. Even when you're shivering uncontrollably, that's still only like 0.3 activity points.

Okay - need to set some non-weight-loss goals for myself this weekend.

1) Purchase some vitamins. Consider ingesting them.
2) Research a couple good neck exercises, and do them.
3) Look into at least one possible publisher/agent opportunity, and prepare a submission.

There. That should get me off my back.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 8 weight: 217.7 lbs
Total loss: 4.7 lbs

The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror

Erin, Mary and I sat around the television and carved pumpkins last night, and that's the title of the movie we watched.

It was for Halloween.

I'm not gay, mother.

Anyway. It was terrifying.

Mary made a caprese salad and Erin made dinner - veggies and some kind of meatless meat with spaghetti squash (or spaghetti SQUOOSH, as she terms it). Delish. Later on, snacked on a few pumpkin seeds and a popcorn ball. A whole ball of popcorn. Makes one wonder why they don't process other foods in other shapes. Pizza cube. Lobster pyramid. Burger tetrahedron. The list goes on.

The sandwich shop downstairs in my office building closed down due to a health violation, so that's good. If only every eating establishment in the world would close down to health violations. My, I sure would lose weight then.

Been good today - Nutri-Grain bar for breakfast, turkey sandwich and veggies for lunch. Haven't weighed myself yet, and may not have a chance until tomorrow. Even though I'm dying to know. Sadly, I'm not being sarcastic. I love numbers.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 7 weight: unknown
Total loss: ERROR

P.S. Beware of Manfred. He'll getcha.

Blog O' Sphere

I just thought of this great alternate title I could have used for my blog. "Blog O' Sphere."

'Cause I'm fat. Get it? You don't get it.

Moving on. I went to Lido's yesterday, and had minestrone soup, a side salad, and one roll. Pretty good, especially considering the massive pizza that also inhabited our table. (It was covered with fungus, so was actually pretty easy to resist)

Did okay-but-not-great during poker last night. Had a few chips and pretzels but didn't go crazy. I did eat about a quarter of a cupcake, which wasn't a smooth move, but I still stayed under points for the day AND dropped a couple more tenths of a pound, so fuck off.

Going to be pumpkin carving tonight, so maybe I'll snack on some pumpkin seeds. OR maybe I'll eat a whole pumpkin pie. It'll be a crapshoot.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 6 weight: 217.9 lbs
Total loss: 4.5 lbs

Vegging Out

Had a snack yesterday of baby carrots, celery, broccoli and cherry tomatoes.

WHO AM I?

There was, of course, some veggie dip involved, but a guy needs something to get all that nastiness to stay down.

Stayed within points again, and it showed on the ol' scale this morning. True - it's the first time since I started this blog that I've weighed myself in the morning (which I need to start doing), but still. Don't rain on my parade.

It was recommended to me by someone that I only weigh myself weekly, but that person (my mother) obviously does not have a firm grasp of how my brain works. By weighing myself daily, I am collecting more data, and more data means a MORE ELABORATE SPREADSHEET. That's right. I am going to get in shape via Excel.

I did go to the gym last night. 15 minutes on the stairs, 15 on the bike, 15 on the treadmill. Will start back up on the weight machines once my head feels in less danger of falling off.

It's poker night tonight - need to lay off the chips and pretzels. I should probably just go ahead and win, so that I'm not tempted to nosh out of frustration.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 5 weight: 218.1 lbs
Total loss: 4.3 lbs

Shrinkage

My scale may be defective. Not that I'm arguing with it. But it's telling me that I lost 3.8 pounds since yesterday.

Don't get me wrong - I behaved myself pretty well. Subway, Special K bars, just a taste of frozen yogurt. But I don't think I was 3.8 pounds good. I mean, I didn't make myself throw up or anything.

Anyway, I'll take it. I welcome progress with open arms.

I'm also going to the gym tonight. I think I'm going to the gym tonight. If Erin calls me back in the next half hour and still wants to go, I'm going to the gym. But if she doesn't call or doesn't feel up to it, then I am definitely not going to the gym. There are a lot of stars that need to align in order for me to go to the gym.

Tell you what - if I don't go to the gym, I'll at least do some sit-ups. And then I'll eat a pizza. KIDDING. Jesus, relax.

Among the other items of lard I intend to discard is my neck pain. I'm not quite sure why I was born with a neck that feels like someone forgot to remove a hanger from it, but there it is. I need to research some exercises that I can start doing regularly to loosen it the hell up. Hopefully healthier eats and the gradual removal of stress from my life will help as well.

Vitamins would probably be a good thing for me to start taking, huh? Anyone got any helpful suggestions? I'm partial to the Flintstone ones, personally. But I know those are for kids, so... are there any shaped like the cast of The Office? I would take those. But I would steer clear of the 'Creed's.

I need to work my way from 12-inch Subway sandwiches to 6-inch ones. All in good time, my pet. It's going to take a little while for my stomach to shrink down to normal human size.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 4 weight: 219.9 lbs
Total loss: 2.5 lbs

Well If It Was Easy, This Wouldn't Be a Very Interesting Blog, Now Would It?

Note to self: do not begin a diet immediately before trekking to a German beer garden for Oktoberfest.

Granted, I could have been worse. I managed to stick to one stein of beer (despite a number of my highly intoxicated friends attempting to bring peer pressure back into style), and one Polish sausage on a bun with German potato salad. I later did, however, partake of a good portion of the largest pretzel you have ever seen and/or heard of. Seriously. Take what you're picturing - now double it.

And then this afternoon I needed to drown my Bears-induced sorrows a little bit with a couple of cocktails and part of a (meatless) breakfast burrito. 45-10 the final. Okay - now you understand.

But I'm getting right back on track - I will not let this slight lapse transform into failure!

When I stepped on the scale today, before registering a number it said, "Err." Whether this is short for "Error" or simply my scale's way of stalling for time - not good.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 3 weight: 223.7 lbs
Total loss: -1.3 lbs

Dining Al Fresco

I guess I was pretty good yesterday - lost 7/10 of a pound!

I even watched plates of Oreo cookie cake pass within inches of my nose last night and successfully resisted. I did get two tacos from Taco Bell later on (as I was forced to go there by two tipsy girls), but I got chicken instead of beef and ordered them al fresco. Look at me making sensible choices in less than ideal circumstances!

This morning I started counting points. I've had 15 so far today - tonight will be rough though, so I'm going to have to tread carefully.

Okay, I'm going to have to wrap this one early today because I'm on my way out the door to a drunken sausagefest! (Don't worry, Mom - it's a literal one)

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 2 weight: 221.7 lbs
Total loss: 0.7 lbs

What a Difference a Day Makes

Slight change of plans.

Without going into too much detail, certain circumstances transpired today to make it fairly apparent that, one way or another, I will not be employed at my present place of enjoyment for very much longer.

Huzzah! That's one of the items on my list!

I hadn't anticipated this happening so soon, however. And so, because I will certainly not last the length of the office weight loss program, I opted to withhold the $186 sign-up fee and instead set my money aside for more pressing purposes, such as food and shelter.

But never fear, my loyal one-day followers! $1,500 or no, I'm still going to do this thing! Same goal, same timeline. IT'S ON.

I weigh 222.4 pounds.

Here are some other things that weigh 222.4 pounds:

28 human heads
11 automobile tires
7 cinder blocks
2 fashion models
Arnold Shwarzeneggar
1/2 of a Welsh pony

In other words, I weigh a bit.

Here's the goal: lose 30 pounds in four months. (192.4 by February 23rd) I would ultimately like to end up in the 170-180 range, but I don't want to put a precise number on it - I'll stop losing once I feel trim and healthy.

I went grocery shopping after work today and didn't buy anything fun. BUT! My plan is to gradually brainwash myself into believing that certain untasty comestibles (such as all those in the vegetable family) are gloriously delicious. This I will accomplish by continually consuming the bland things until my body craves it and knows no other sustenance. I'm going to have to lay 100% off the bad stuff. I've tried in the past letting myself have a nibble here and there so that I'm not depriving myself entirely. Didn't take.

No - from now on my desserts are caramel corn rice cakes and fruit-flavored icicles. Once I reach a healthier weight I will let up a tad, but in the meantime I must go whole hog (like my breakfast this morning).

Tomorrow I'll start counting points. Hell, why not still use the Weight Watchers formula, even if I'm not going to be participating in the program - those people seem to know what they're doing. I get 35 points a day. That's like one sandwich.

Here's hoping I can drop a cinder block or two.

The Lard in My Life

Greetings, no one.

Hopefully, no one will soon become someone, and then someone will become many someones, and this blog will get read. Because as many things as I plan on starting to do for my health, writing this blog is not one of them.

I am writing this blog because of the lard in my life. Sure, some of that is the literal lard - this extra person I've been carting around my midsection for the past couple of years, whom I am not even able to claim on my taxes.

But there is plenty of other lard that has been weighing me down - the lard of artistic ambitions that have failed to materialize, the lard of friendships I have neglected to nurture or cultivate in the interest of trivial pursuits (not the board game), the lard of an 80-year-old back that prohibits me from living the life of a 31-year-old, the lard of a day job I no longer find amusing, the lard of financial hardship in spite of living a more-or-less monkish existence.

It is all this fat that I intend to trim. However, in the interest of focus, I will be writing mainly about my actual lard.

It's been a long time since I felt comfortable in my own skin. And that's a terrible thing to not feel comfortable in, because you can't take your skin back to Target and return it. Especially not after you've stretched it out as I have done.

As far as I can tell, the problem is accountability. It seems that when someone asks me to do something, unless I have some compelling reason not to, I do it. But there's no one standing around, waggling their finger at me on a daily basis and urging me to put down that lemon poppyseed muffin (which are DELICIOUS, by the way). So I need to do it. I need to do my own finger-waggling. And maybe keeping a regular blog is the way to do that. It's worth a shot.

Granted, there WAS another impetus behind my sudden crusade to retire the tire. Starting tomorrow, my office is beginning a program to make their employees less fat and ugly. They didn't put it quite that way, but that's the gist. Once a week, some of the good folks from Weight Watchers will be coming into the office, loading us down with some brochures and point calculators, and then charting our progress over a three month period. If I can lose 10% of my body weight in that time, and then keep it off for another month, I will score a cool $1,500.

Not kidding.

Yeah, it would have been nice if I'd simply decided to do this for me, but... hey. $1,500. You can buy things with that.

So here we are. The first weigh-in is tomorrow, and I'm doing my best to pack it on as much as possible beforehand. We're talking comfort food from Mel's and ice cream from Coldstone tonight, then possibly an entire pig tomorrow morning.

I'll keep you all (e.g. nobody) in the loop on my progress. And, of course, my goal is to lose much more than 10% of my weight. My aim by the end of this experiment is to be extraordinarily fit, healthy and happy. So that it doesn't sting as badly when I have a night like I'm about to have.