Wow. Day 500. I've lost 21 pounds all told, but I still don't look as if I've been eating too many vegetables. Perhaps because I haven't.
This lard-discarding is a tough business. I've had ups and downs. The holidays have come and gone. But I'm at a bit of a standstill. And as we all know, standing still doesn't burn too many calories.
I've been hovering right around 200 pounds for a few months now. Granted, hovering is better than gaining, but I've still got about 30 pounds to lose, and the time is NOW.
I haven't blogged in a while, and for that I apologize. I was hoping to hold off until I reached a new low weight, per the parameters that I set for myself, but although I've come close a few times, I seem to be having trouble cracking that mark. I'm honestly not worried, though. I NEED to drop 30 more pounds before my wedding, and I'm going to see that it happens.
Oh yeah - I'm getting married. If you're reading this blog, you almost certainly already know me, and therefore already know this. But if you're some random happening upon this post after doing a Google search while writing your school paper on whale fat, then... well, then you probably don't care. But FYI, whale blubber is different from other forms of adipose tissue, which allows it to serve as a thermal insulater, which makes blubber essential for thermoregulation. Credit: whales.org. Now get outta here, kid - you're bothering me.
So I'm getting married. To Erin. If you haven't met her, you should. She's the bee's knees. In fact, she's better than that - she's the bee's kneecaps. But she'll leave me at the altar if I don't lose this weight. That's a lie - she wouldn't do that. Also a lie about there being an altar.
But I need to do it for ME. There is going to be some asshole taking pictures at this thing, and I might want to look back at these pictures years from now and be able to see Erin in some of them. I also don't want to feel as guilty when I eat OUR ENTIRE WEDDING CAKE.
So I'm GOING to do this. I won't take 'no' for an answer. Do or do not - there is no 'try.' I will climb every mountain. And other inspirational catchphrases.
But I have to stop making excuses. Easter is coming, but someone else is going to have to bite the heads off all the chocolate bunnies. There are birthdays coming up, but I will be bringing a snack lunch (or snack dinner, depending on the time of the party). Point being - I have been eating for 32 years... it's time to take a break. Before they turn me into the next new exhibit at Sea World.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 500 weight: 201.1 lbs
Total loss: 21.3 lbs
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Friday, November 19, 2010
Hey, Holidays. IT'S ON.
All right, so it's been a couple weeks and I only have two-tenths of a pound to show for it. But here's what happened. I was kidnapped by terrorists who forced me to consume large quantities of trans fatty acids and processed beef products for days on end, and then strapped me down to a table so I couldn't exercise, even though I so dearly wanted to. Good news is I escaped, detoxified my body of said ill nutrition, and worked off the unwanted poundage. (Note: the terrorists went by the names of Laziness, Complacency and Munchies. A $100 reward is being offered for their seizure.)
The holidays are upon us, like a rabid, wild-eyed dog who's been chasing us for 15 city blocks. And that dog comes bearing gifts of chocolate and jam-filled pastries. It's ai-ight though. I'll be strong. I think. I'm about 80% sure I'll be strong. I just have to watch out for terrorists.
I'm going home in less than a month, and that won't be easy. Hopefully my mother (who is reading this post as we speak) won't be too crazy this year in terms of putting together her annual calorie spread on the kitchen counter. There's going to be deep dish pizza at some point - there's no getting around that - but maybe I can stop myself at half a pie this year. And maybe Santa will bring me liposuction infiltration tubing or a set of waist compression garments. LIKE I ASKED FOR LAST YEAR. Sheesh, Santa.
I have audition #2 at the Laugh Factory coming up on Tuesday, and then another stand-up contest in Burbank on the 28th. According to my personal timeline, I should be appearing on Conan some time in January, will be shooting my HBO special in early February, and then will be hosting the Oscars later that month. Wait, hold on - I forgot I'm planning a trip to Laughlin in early February. Better push the HBO special back to March.
No auditions in a while, even though I'm submitting myself every day. Unfortunately, most of the postings seem to be looking for someone who's in great shape, someone who's morbidly obese, or someone who's under 4'6". Seriously. If you're a little person and looking to kick-start your acting career, this is the place to be. There's a huge call for your kind at the moment.
Okay, this has been enough weird for one day.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 393 weight: 199.1 lbs
Total loss: 23.3 lbs
The holidays are upon us, like a rabid, wild-eyed dog who's been chasing us for 15 city blocks. And that dog comes bearing gifts of chocolate and jam-filled pastries. It's ai-ight though. I'll be strong. I think. I'm about 80% sure I'll be strong. I just have to watch out for terrorists.
I'm going home in less than a month, and that won't be easy. Hopefully my mother (who is reading this post as we speak) won't be too crazy this year in terms of putting together her annual calorie spread on the kitchen counter. There's going to be deep dish pizza at some point - there's no getting around that - but maybe I can stop myself at half a pie this year. And maybe Santa will bring me liposuction infiltration tubing or a set of waist compression garments. LIKE I ASKED FOR LAST YEAR. Sheesh, Santa.
I have audition #2 at the Laugh Factory coming up on Tuesday, and then another stand-up contest in Burbank on the 28th. According to my personal timeline, I should be appearing on Conan some time in January, will be shooting my HBO special in early February, and then will be hosting the Oscars later that month. Wait, hold on - I forgot I'm planning a trip to Laughlin in early February. Better push the HBO special back to March.
No auditions in a while, even though I'm submitting myself every day. Unfortunately, most of the postings seem to be looking for someone who's in great shape, someone who's morbidly obese, or someone who's under 4'6". Seriously. If you're a little person and looking to kick-start your acting career, this is the place to be. There's a huge call for your kind at the moment.
Okay, this has been enough weird for one day.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 393 weight: 199.1 lbs
Total loss: 23.3 lbs
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Tenth of a Ton
Well, ladies and gents, it took me just over a year to get here, but here I am at last: under 200 pounds for the first time in about 3 years!
I dropped my 23rd pound yesterday, after having a rough spot around the Halloween season. There were Lofthouse cookies and chocolate-covered pretzel candies and more - I did indeed put a few pounds back on, but I jumped right back on the horse (who groaned under the weight) and turned things around in a hurry!
I also watched the documentary Food, Inc. two nights ago. I strongly recommend this film to anyone looking to lose weight by NEVER EATING AGAIN. In all seriousness, it's one of those movies that really makes you look at things in a new light. I've been trying to make the move over to more organic and unprocessed foods for the past several months, but now I think I'm going to step it up even more. Fewer exceptions, less cheating. Delicious food, delicious though it may be, is just plain GROSS. Gross, scary and unsafe. And let's be honest here - the food we shouldn't be eating IS more delicious than its healthier counterparts (you're seriously deluding yourself if you think otherwise). The former is genetically engineered to be so. However, we shouldn't choose a certain path simply because it's more immedately gratifying. It's easier and more comfortable to remain seated on the couch than to get up and start moving, but we feel guilty when we bum around and there's a good reason for that. And as we also all know, it is highly inadvisable to follow many of our natural impulses - things that seem like they would be a good time but may have dire consequences, such as engaging in polygamous relationships, smoking drugs, and murder.
Anyway, feeling good, and even more cofident that the pounds will continue to come off. Only 199 more pounds to go before I'm invisible!
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 377 weight: 199.3 lbs
Total loss: 23.1 lbs
I dropped my 23rd pound yesterday, after having a rough spot around the Halloween season. There were Lofthouse cookies and chocolate-covered pretzel candies and more - I did indeed put a few pounds back on, but I jumped right back on the horse (who groaned under the weight) and turned things around in a hurry!
I also watched the documentary Food, Inc. two nights ago. I strongly recommend this film to anyone looking to lose weight by NEVER EATING AGAIN. In all seriousness, it's one of those movies that really makes you look at things in a new light. I've been trying to make the move over to more organic and unprocessed foods for the past several months, but now I think I'm going to step it up even more. Fewer exceptions, less cheating. Delicious food, delicious though it may be, is just plain GROSS. Gross, scary and unsafe. And let's be honest here - the food we shouldn't be eating IS more delicious than its healthier counterparts (you're seriously deluding yourself if you think otherwise). The former is genetically engineered to be so. However, we shouldn't choose a certain path simply because it's more immedately gratifying. It's easier and more comfortable to remain seated on the couch than to get up and start moving, but we feel guilty when we bum around and there's a good reason for that. And as we also all know, it is highly inadvisable to follow many of our natural impulses - things that seem like they would be a good time but may have dire consequences, such as engaging in polygamous relationships, smoking drugs, and murder.
Anyway, feeling good, and even more cofident that the pounds will continue to come off. Only 199 more pounds to go before I'm invisible!
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 377 weight: 199.3 lbs
Total loss: 23.1 lbs
Friday, October 22, 2010
Year One
Well, I did it. Since starting this blog exactly one year ago today, I am now officially hot and sexy.
Well, okay - hot, at least. In fact, I'm gonna turn on the air.
All right, so I still have a ways to go. I've made some great strides in many areas, and have a lot of work left to do in others. I was hoping to hit the 200 pound mark this morning, because the poetry of that would have been MIND-BLOWING, but I've had a rough few days, and have been sick since yesterday, so the working out has kind of taken a back seat to sneezing out all of my brain fluid. I'm confident I'll hit it soon, however, and boy oh boy just wait until you see the crazy-ass party I throw when THAT happens. Hint: there will be cupcakes.
Still, I'm 20 or so pounds lighter than when I started writing this, and while it's not as much as I had hoped, it IS substantial progress, and I'm finally moving steadily in the right direction without too much yo-yoing. And I'm getting stuck in far fewer revolving doors.
I have a lot of things in place that I didn't a year ago; the stand-up is taking off more than anything else, which I wouldn't have predicted. I also now have an agent and have had a couple of auditions recently, so maybe the acting side of things is about to experience a surge as well. However, I've been especially frustrated in the past few days - I heard back from both of the literary agents who had requested to read my manuscript, both of whom have decided to pass. I was just put on the availability list for a regional commercial and should hear soon - it would be awesome if I snagged that, but until I hear back, I still haven't booked a paying gig since I started submitting (granted, I have only been on 3 auditions, but that in itself is a bit aggravating). And, other than the money I won from the stand-up contest a couple months ago, I still haven't made ANY money following ANY of my pursuits since I began. That ain't good. I'm going to need to start turning that around REAL soon. If any of you have heard of any places to go where I might find a briefcase of money lying around, or one of those burlap sacks with the big dollar sign on it, please advise.
Anyway, I'm encouraged but presently a bit annoyed by my situation. I'm trying to concentrate on the positives, but the half-jew in me is continually looking for ways to focus on the negatives. I might also be putting a more upbeat spin on things if I wasn't currently swimming in a sea of used facial tissues.
Of course, if I had already accomplished all of my goals, there would be nothing left to write about! So there's the good news, my loyal reader. You get to keep being subjected to more of THIS.
Well, okay - hot, at least. In fact, I'm gonna turn on the air.
All right, so I still have a ways to go. I've made some great strides in many areas, and have a lot of work left to do in others. I was hoping to hit the 200 pound mark this morning, because the poetry of that would have been MIND-BLOWING, but I've had a rough few days, and have been sick since yesterday, so the working out has kind of taken a back seat to sneezing out all of my brain fluid. I'm confident I'll hit it soon, however, and boy oh boy just wait until you see the crazy-ass party I throw when THAT happens. Hint: there will be cupcakes.
Still, I'm 20 or so pounds lighter than when I started writing this, and while it's not as much as I had hoped, it IS substantial progress, and I'm finally moving steadily in the right direction without too much yo-yoing. And I'm getting stuck in far fewer revolving doors.
I have a lot of things in place that I didn't a year ago; the stand-up is taking off more than anything else, which I wouldn't have predicted. I also now have an agent and have had a couple of auditions recently, so maybe the acting side of things is about to experience a surge as well. However, I've been especially frustrated in the past few days - I heard back from both of the literary agents who had requested to read my manuscript, both of whom have decided to pass. I was just put on the availability list for a regional commercial and should hear soon - it would be awesome if I snagged that, but until I hear back, I still haven't booked a paying gig since I started submitting (granted, I have only been on 3 auditions, but that in itself is a bit aggravating). And, other than the money I won from the stand-up contest a couple months ago, I still haven't made ANY money following ANY of my pursuits since I began. That ain't good. I'm going to need to start turning that around REAL soon. If any of you have heard of any places to go where I might find a briefcase of money lying around, or one of those burlap sacks with the big dollar sign on it, please advise.
Anyway, I'm encouraged but presently a bit annoyed by my situation. I'm trying to concentrate on the positives, but the half-jew in me is continually looking for ways to focus on the negatives. I might also be putting a more upbeat spin on things if I wasn't currently swimming in a sea of used facial tissues.
Of course, if I had already accomplished all of my goals, there would be nothing left to write about! So there's the good news, my loyal reader. You get to keep being subjected to more of THIS.
Monday, October 18, 2010
The Human Body is Quite the Puzzle
Yesterday was Field Day. Sure, there was a bit of running around, but in the course of a single afternoon I downed a burger, a hot dog, a heaping spoonful of potato salad, a plethora of potato chips (yes, I know how much is a plethora), and a few sodas. It was basically a complete collapse. I have also not worked out for the past few days (I threw my neck out at an audition on Wednesday).
New low weight this morning. Go figure.
Who knows how that happened, but I'm at peace with it. Worked out this morning, have been eating healthy again, and am ready to pass the big 200.
I have now lost over 20 pounds! True, I'm averaging one pound lost every 17 days, but the way I figure, if I HADN'T been trying to lose weight in the past year, I probably would have PUT ON about 20. So in truth, this is roughly a 40-pound swing. And THAT, I feel, is pretty impressive.
Had a stand-up show last night, and have another tonight. Also got re-booked for the gig at Beso, Eva Longoria's restaurant, next Wednesday the 27th. My schedule is really filling up. I feel like Celine Dion. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
I don't know what that means. Please disregard.
I've been writing more stand-up material lately. It's amazing, however, how you can write what feels like enough to fill three HBO comedy specials, and then you practice it in the mirror and you're through it before you've had a chance to finish your Twix bar. (That's a joke. I've never eaten a Twix bar.) Going to be trying a little bit of my new stuff tonight. I'm probably going to fuck it up. But that's just the optimist in me talking. You know what, forget it. Take out the 'probably.'
No response yet from the two literary agents who are looking over my manuscript. It's probably just taking them a while because they're trying to think of a way to break it to me that they're offering me a five-book deal and six-figure advance.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 361 weight: 201.3 lbs
Total loss: 21.1 lbs
New low weight this morning. Go figure.
Who knows how that happened, but I'm at peace with it. Worked out this morning, have been eating healthy again, and am ready to pass the big 200.
I have now lost over 20 pounds! True, I'm averaging one pound lost every 17 days, but the way I figure, if I HADN'T been trying to lose weight in the past year, I probably would have PUT ON about 20. So in truth, this is roughly a 40-pound swing. And THAT, I feel, is pretty impressive.
Had a stand-up show last night, and have another tonight. Also got re-booked for the gig at Beso, Eva Longoria's restaurant, next Wednesday the 27th. My schedule is really filling up. I feel like Celine Dion. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
I don't know what that means. Please disregard.
I've been writing more stand-up material lately. It's amazing, however, how you can write what feels like enough to fill three HBO comedy specials, and then you practice it in the mirror and you're through it before you've had a chance to finish your Twix bar. (That's a joke. I've never eaten a Twix bar.) Going to be trying a little bit of my new stuff tonight. I'm probably going to fuck it up. But that's just the optimist in me talking. You know what, forget it. Take out the 'probably.'
No response yet from the two literary agents who are looking over my manuscript. It's probably just taking them a while because they're trying to think of a way to break it to me that they're offering me a five-book deal and six-figure advance.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 361 weight: 201.3 lbs
Total loss: 21.1 lbs
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The Pizza, Cupcake and Beer Diet
Not sure how this happened, folks, but I had one mini-pizza (it was like Bagel Bite size), a cupcake and half a beer last night, and I somehow dropped a pound since yesterday morning. I'm hoping that some minion of the devil has possessed my earthly vessel and is gorging itself on my internals to feed its insatiable blood-lust. That would explain the pleasantly surprising number on the scale this morning, and would also bode well for continued weight loss!
Well, hold on now... maybe my idea of pigging out these days isn't quite like my idea of pigging out in days of yore. I used to be able to put away a whole pizza (we ain't talkin' Bagel Bites any longer) in one sitting, and then top it off with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Then, I would be depressed the next day at my lack of self-control, and would attempt to eat my way out of my sadness at the Costco food court. And as we all know, there is simply nothing more depressing that THAT.
But you know what? A few little nasty snacks and less than a full beer at a party? I ate well the rest of the day, and worked out for an hour and a half this morning. That's what I'm learning more and more - as long as you don't COMPLETELY let go in those tricky situations, there's no need to buy a one-way ticket to Fatsville. Not to mention that property values there have plummeted recently. Nah... for my money, I'd much rather save up and make a more intelligent investment in one of the sprawling estates of Slender Heights.
All right, I let that metaphor a little loose and it got out of control. I admit it.
Am going to a screening tonight with a wine reception to follow, which means there will likely be wine there, as well as quite possibly some cheese and cracker-type comestibles. I'm going to need to make an especial effort to cool it with the goodies, as I don't want to press my luck. Besides, I don't want to overfeed my demon. He has enough to munch on in there.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 355 weight: 202.6 lbs
Total loss: 19.8 lbs
Well, hold on now... maybe my idea of pigging out these days isn't quite like my idea of pigging out in days of yore. I used to be able to put away a whole pizza (we ain't talkin' Bagel Bites any longer) in one sitting, and then top it off with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Then, I would be depressed the next day at my lack of self-control, and would attempt to eat my way out of my sadness at the Costco food court. And as we all know, there is simply nothing more depressing that THAT.
But you know what? A few little nasty snacks and less than a full beer at a party? I ate well the rest of the day, and worked out for an hour and a half this morning. That's what I'm learning more and more - as long as you don't COMPLETELY let go in those tricky situations, there's no need to buy a one-way ticket to Fatsville. Not to mention that property values there have plummeted recently. Nah... for my money, I'd much rather save up and make a more intelligent investment in one of the sprawling estates of Slender Heights.
All right, I let that metaphor a little loose and it got out of control. I admit it.
Am going to a screening tonight with a wine reception to follow, which means there will likely be wine there, as well as quite possibly some cheese and cracker-type comestibles. I'm going to need to make an especial effort to cool it with the goodies, as I don't want to press my luck. Besides, I don't want to overfeed my demon. He has enough to munch on in there.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 355 weight: 202.6 lbs
Total loss: 19.8 lbs
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I Ate an Entire Pizza
...in my dream last night. It was really delicious, as I recall. Then I woke up and ate a banana. Yay, reality.
I actually haven't been too stellar eating-wise the past few days. Nothing God-awful, but more bread and dairy than I've been shooting for. However, because I've become really obsessed lately with this losing weight and getting in shape business, I literally worked my ass off (there, look - there's my ass, sitting there on the floor, right where I worked it off) this week. An hour and a half each of the past three days, and it's resulted in a new low weight. Only 6/10 of a pound to go before I've lost an even 20!
Hey, I signed with my new commercial agent yesterday! So it's official. Hopefully, I will be the new face of Tampax.
The kittens are doing well, even if they did rip open one of their toy mice and spill its guts all over the bed. I guess I need to blame the toy mouse manufacturer for that one. Dude - cats chew on these things. Maybe make 'em a little harder to get into. Come on, man.
Have an audition on Saturday for a sci-fi pilot, and then I'm trying out at the Laugh Factory on Tuesday. I have to get through two rounds of tryouts before I could be considered to be a regular there, but at least I'm on the path. There were some very unfunny people in line with me the other day while I was waiting to sign up. That can't be a bad sign.
Still waiting to hear from the two literary agents who requested to see my book. Although no news is good news, I guess. Wait - that's not right. Those sons of bitches need to get on the horn right now and offer me a deal. I'm not going to be this young and pretty forever.
In other news, my friend Jen Curran is in town this week and will be performing with her tremendously talented Harvard Sailing Team at the UCB Theatre in Los Angeles on Tuesday night at 11pm. If you're in the LA area, I urge you to check it out. But please don't get ahead of me in line. I need to see it more than you do.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 353 weight: 203.0 lbs
Total loss: 19.4 lbs
I actually haven't been too stellar eating-wise the past few days. Nothing God-awful, but more bread and dairy than I've been shooting for. However, because I've become really obsessed lately with this losing weight and getting in shape business, I literally worked my ass off (there, look - there's my ass, sitting there on the floor, right where I worked it off) this week. An hour and a half each of the past three days, and it's resulted in a new low weight. Only 6/10 of a pound to go before I've lost an even 20!
Hey, I signed with my new commercial agent yesterday! So it's official. Hopefully, I will be the new face of Tampax.
The kittens are doing well, even if they did rip open one of their toy mice and spill its guts all over the bed. I guess I need to blame the toy mouse manufacturer for that one. Dude - cats chew on these things. Maybe make 'em a little harder to get into. Come on, man.
Have an audition on Saturday for a sci-fi pilot, and then I'm trying out at the Laugh Factory on Tuesday. I have to get through two rounds of tryouts before I could be considered to be a regular there, but at least I'm on the path. There were some very unfunny people in line with me the other day while I was waiting to sign up. That can't be a bad sign.
Still waiting to hear from the two literary agents who requested to see my book. Although no news is good news, I guess. Wait - that's not right. Those sons of bitches need to get on the horn right now and offer me a deal. I'm not going to be this young and pretty forever.
In other news, my friend Jen Curran is in town this week and will be performing with her tremendously talented Harvard Sailing Team at the UCB Theatre in Los Angeles on Tuesday night at 11pm. If you're in the LA area, I urge you to check it out. But please don't get ahead of me in line. I need to see it more than you do.
Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 353 weight: 203.0 lbs
Total loss: 19.4 lbs
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