Wednesday, September 29, 2010

If You Liked "Inception" You'll LOVE "The Perception Plays"!

I don't really know if that's true, actually. In fact, the only thing the two may have in common is the "ception" part of their titles. Regardless, a couple of my friends (who are awesome) are in it, and I'm going, so you should, too!

Anyway, don't get excited - I haven't lost any more weight. I'm just writing today to plug this show. As you may know, I also write a weekly blog for - well, the mother hatcher of them all, Susan Baker, is in this show! So check it out, then go check out Escape Hatcher, then send us each a big bag of money. Further instructions to follow.

Here - read this blurb:

The Link Theatre presents The Perception Plays, written by Chad Baker, Directed by Elizabeth Hoye and Starring Susan M. Baker, Stephanie Geyer, Bechir Sylvain, Austin Hebert & Susan Papa. Thursdays & Fridays in October 10/7-10/29, 8pm. Sidewalk Studio Theatre, 4150 Riverside Dr., Toluca Lake, CA (next to Priscilla's Coffee). Prices are $12 in advance (by visiting, $15 at the door (cash, check & cc accepted), $10 group rates (special arrangement by calling 740-954-0167). For more info:

Okay, that's it. Get your ass there.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

A Third Conversation With Food

Me: You got a second?
Food: Oh, Jesus. Are we really going to do this again?
Me: Look - I know you're probably upset. For the past month or two, our relationship has been a little... tame.
Food: Tame? Is that what it is?
Me: Please don't do that thing where you turn everything into a question. I want you to take this seriously.
Food: Oh. Sorry this conversation isn't going exactly according to your plan. Food-hater.
Me: I don't... I don't hate you. I still love you. I still really love you. Sometimes, when I think about some of the things I want to do to you...
Food: Spare me.
Me: The fact is that I like where things are right now. It feels good. Right. Wholesome.
Food: Oh, please. You had a salad for dinner last night. A salad. Are you going to pretend you're not in serious denial?
Me: It was a good salad.
Food: "It was a good salad."
Me: Don't mock me. That's childish and uncalled for.
Food: Well, I don't know what you want from me. I've always made myself very available to you. Now it seems that's no good.
Me: We can still... fool around once in a while. But isn't it okay if, for the most... we can just be friends?
Food: You did not just give me that line.
Me: I don't think you're being--
Food: Eat me.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 344 weight: 206.2 lbs
Total loss: 16.2 lbs

Friday, September 24, 2010

Falling Down

No, I'm not going on a sociopathic killing rampage. It's my pants! My pants are falling down! Hallelujah!

I've lost another pound and a half since my last post - just FOUR days ago, mind you - and I'm feeling good. Steadily approaching the big 200 milestone, at which point I will treat myself to something DELICIOUS as a reward. However, I will immediately afterward retire to the bathroom and vomit it up. Yay - I get to taste it twice! Relax, relax. I'll keep it down.

Anyway, have been keeping up with the healthy eating, and it hasn't even been all that hard. I think I finally got over "the hump." I was even pumped about getting a salad the other night. Granted, it had chunks of fried chicken in it, which is something I have been doing my best to avoid, but still. There were leaves in it and shit.

Have also kept up with the daily exercise, including tennis today in 90 degree weather (which on the adjusted native Chicagoan scale is around 104). I suffered two strokes, but sweated off some weightage, so it all balances out.

In other news, my music video parody "Never Gonna Pick You Up (Dick Rolled)" is featured on the Funny or Die homepage today! Check it out!

I also may have an opportunity to audition for a commercial agent soon - a friend of mine (thanks again, Jeff!) hooked me up with his agent, who has already viewed a couple video clips and seems to be at least mildly interested! I mailed her my headshot and resume a couple days ago... we shall see what we shall see...

Have almost finished sending submissions for Gateway to Agartha to every literary agent listed in the Writer's Market. Have only heard back from about a quarter of them thus far, so there's still plenty of hope. Once that's done I'll submit directly to publishers, then if that fails I'll try to attend a writer's conference or two, then I'll try my hand at stalking, with my last resort being the kidnapping and holding for ransom of someone's children. I might make so much on the kidnapping that I won't even need an advance on the book!

Gonna work on writing some new stand-up material today. I have a couple topics in mind - going to extend my "kitten" routine, because why the hell not, and also going to write a bit about how passive-aggressive the Wii Fit is. Yeah, Wii Fit. Sorry, I missed a day. Why don't you RUB IT IN.

By the way, going to Olive Garden on Wednesday for Mary's birthday. You can be darn tootin' I'm going to be extra good this week, so I can let myself go a little while we're there. Three words for you: TOUR OF ITALY.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 340 weight: 206.4 lbs
Total loss: 16.0 lbs

Monday, September 20, 2010

I'm Baa-aack...

FACT. It has been nearly 4 months since my last post.

FACT. For the first time since then, I have finally reached a new low weight on the path to no longer being a fatass.

FACT. I am eating better than I ever have and am exercising almost every day, and plan on keeping up this blog more consistently going forward.

FACT. I am out of vital facts, but am worried that the first paragraph that does not start out this way will be reduced in impact.

Ah, well. Just a risk I'm going to have to take, I guess.

Anyway... how ya been? Miss me? When last we spoke, I was depressed and frustrated and couldn't lose a pound to save my life. SERIOUSLY. You could have threatened me at knifepoint, and I still would have snacked on some cookies.

I swore that I would henceforth only write a post for this blog each time I reached a new low weight. Therefore, I would not be constantly reminded when writing this that I was failing to accomplish my goals, and instead would only be encouraged and spurred on by each actual, tangible success that would be achieved.

It sure took a helluva long time, but I am finally there. I popped my weight back up to about 217 pounds before finally getting on the right track, and I am now down almost 15 pounds overall! Not so good when you consider that it has taken me nearly a year to get there, but I am confident that I am finally on the road to thinness, and am determined that I will be able to fit inside narrow crawl spaces within a year.

So let me catch you up on some shit.

My new diet - and when I say that, I don't mean a crash diet, I mean my new, hopefully long-term way of eating and viewing food - consists of eating FAR less bread, dairy and red meat. I am not cutting anything out completely (because I know me), allowing myself the occasional cheat item, but I am now sticking mainly to fresh-cooked chicken, turkey and fish, fruits and veggies, nuts and beans. Tea has replaced coffee, frozen fruit bars have replaced ice cream (for the most part). In addition to shedding the pounds, I am also feeling healthier and more energetic, and my neck and shoulders even feel better, now that I am eating fewer inflammatory food products.

Speaking of which, I have also started doing acupuncture! I believe I touched on the subject in a couple of my prior posts, and probably demonstrated a serious degree of trepidation. I'm not a fan of needles, not even when they're just laying there on the table, being needles, let alone when they're driven into my body by some sadist who leaves me there for dead. Turns out that's not what it's like. My acupuncurist is actually quite nice and has murdered very few of her patients, and the needles don't really hurt all that much. In fact, now that I think about it, I've never actually SEEN her insert these needles into my back. For all I know, she's just tapping my neck with her fingernails and running out into the hallway to laugh about it with her other voodoo medicine cronies. SHIT. I have to ask for my money back.

I have also been getting some form of exercise nearly every day for the past few weeks. Most days it's 30 minutes to an hour on the Wii Fit, but I am also playing tennis 1-2 times a week and going for occasional power-walks. I thought about giving P90X a try, but then remembered that I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

So that's pretty much it on the losing weight front. Things have been going very well on the career front - at least as well as they can be going without still having a regular source of income.

Surprisingly (to me, anyway) the thing that has really taken off is my stand-up. I always wanted to try it but was scared shitless for about the first seven years I lived here; now that I have finally given it a go, I'm glad I did. I beat out about 70 other aspiring comics in the Ha Ha Cafe's Fresh Faces contest, and have since gotten additional gigs there, as well as one at Beso, Eva Longoria's restaurant (this one has been postponed, but should still happen). In the next few weeks, I am going to be trying my luck at both the Pasadena Ice House and the Laugh Factory. I have probably about 45 minutes of material now, over 20 minutes of which is arguably funny.

After completing my last novel, I also wrote a screenplay (which, incredibly, I wrote in a week and a half). I have been revising both, and sending daily submissions. No bites yet on either, but some promising feedback. I am currently also working on a few short stories to be submitted to short story contests and literary magazines.

Things have been rough on the acting side of things. Have been submitting almost daily through Actor's Access, and still not a single audition. Aside from doing a single day of riveting, challenging background work on CSI: New York, I haven't had much of a chance to stretch my acting muscles in quite a while. All I can do is keep at it.

There are other things still in the works, like the development of my personal website and my steadily growing aluminum foil ball (I shall defeat you, Pee Wee!), but just trying to do whatever I can to maintain some sense of balance. I'm making progress though, and I can't complain.

Well I CAN, but I won't.

Actually, I probably will. Stay tuned.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 336 weight: 207.9 lbs
Total loss: 14.5 lbs