Friday, October 22, 2010

Year One

Well, I did it. Since starting this blog exactly one year ago today, I am now officially hot and sexy.

Well, okay - hot, at least. In fact, I'm gonna turn on the air.

All right, so I still have a ways to go. I've made some great strides in many areas, and have a lot of work left to do in others. I was hoping to hit the 200 pound mark this morning, because the poetry of that would have been MIND-BLOWING, but I've had a rough few days, and have been sick since yesterday, so the working out has kind of taken a back seat to sneezing out all of my brain fluid. I'm confident I'll hit it soon, however, and boy oh boy just wait until you see the crazy-ass party I throw when THAT happens. Hint: there will be cupcakes.

Still, I'm 20 or so pounds lighter than when I started writing this, and while it's not as much as I had hoped, it IS substantial progress, and I'm finally moving steadily in the right direction without too much yo-yoing. And I'm getting stuck in far fewer revolving doors.

I have a lot of things in place that I didn't a year ago; the stand-up is taking off more than anything else, which I wouldn't have predicted. I also now have an agent and have had a couple of auditions recently, so maybe the acting side of things is about to experience a surge as well. However, I've been especially frustrated in the past few days - I heard back from both of the literary agents who had requested to read my manuscript, both of whom have decided to pass. I was just put on the availability list for a regional commercial and should hear soon - it would be awesome if I snagged that, but until I hear back, I still haven't booked a paying gig since I started submitting (granted, I have only been on 3 auditions, but that in itself is a bit aggravating). And, other than the money I won from the stand-up contest a couple months ago, I still haven't made ANY money following ANY of my pursuits since I began. That ain't good. I'm going to need to start turning that around REAL soon. If any of you have heard of any places to go where I might find a briefcase of money lying around, or one of those burlap sacks with the big dollar sign on it, please advise.

Anyway, I'm encouraged but presently a bit annoyed by my situation. I'm trying to concentrate on the positives, but the half-jew in me is continually looking for ways to focus on the negatives. I might also be putting a more upbeat spin on things if I wasn't currently swimming in a sea of used facial tissues.

Of course, if I had already accomplished all of my goals, there would be nothing left to write about! So there's the good news, my loyal reader. You get to keep being subjected to more of THIS.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Human Body is Quite the Puzzle

Yesterday was Field Day. Sure, there was a bit of running around, but in the course of a single afternoon I downed a burger, a hot dog, a heaping spoonful of potato salad, a plethora of potato chips (yes, I know how much is a plethora), and a few sodas. It was basically a complete collapse. I have also not worked out for the past few days (I threw my neck out at an audition on Wednesday).

New low weight this morning. Go figure.

Who knows how that happened, but I'm at peace with it. Worked out this morning, have been eating healthy again, and am ready to pass the big 200.

I have now lost over 20 pounds! True, I'm averaging one pound lost every 17 days, but the way I figure, if I HADN'T been trying to lose weight in the past year, I probably would have PUT ON about 20. So in truth, this is roughly a 40-pound swing. And THAT, I feel, is pretty impressive.

Had a stand-up show last night, and have another tonight. Also got re-booked for the gig at Beso, Eva Longoria's restaurant, next Wednesday the 27th. My schedule is really filling up. I feel like Celine Dion. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

I don't know what that means. Please disregard.

I've been writing more stand-up material lately. It's amazing, however, how you can write what feels like enough to fill three HBO comedy specials, and then you practice it in the mirror and you're through it before you've had a chance to finish your Twix bar. (That's a joke. I've never eaten a Twix bar.) Going to be trying a little bit of my new stuff tonight. I'm probably going to fuck it up. But that's just the optimist in me talking. You know what, forget it. Take out the 'probably.'

No response yet from the two literary agents who are looking over my manuscript. It's probably just taking them a while because they're trying to think of a way to break it to me that they're offering me a five-book deal and six-figure advance.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 361 weight: 201.3 lbs
Total loss: 21.1 lbs

Saturday, October 9, 2010

The Pizza, Cupcake and Beer Diet

Not sure how this happened, folks, but I had one mini-pizza (it was like Bagel Bite size), a cupcake and half a beer last night, and I somehow dropped a pound since yesterday morning. I'm hoping that some minion of the devil has possessed my earthly vessel and is gorging itself on my internals to feed its insatiable blood-lust. That would explain the pleasantly surprising number on the scale this morning, and would also bode well for continued weight loss!

Well, hold on now... maybe my idea of pigging out these days isn't quite like my idea of pigging out in days of yore. I used to be able to put away a whole pizza (we ain't talkin' Bagel Bites any longer) in one sitting, and then top it off with a pint of Ben & Jerry's. Then, I would be depressed the next day at my lack of self-control, and would attempt to eat my way out of my sadness at the Costco food court. And as we all know, there is simply nothing more depressing that THAT.

But you know what? A few little nasty snacks and less than a full beer at a party? I ate well the rest of the day, and worked out for an hour and a half this morning. That's what I'm learning more and more - as long as you don't COMPLETELY let go in those tricky situations, there's no need to buy a one-way ticket to Fatsville. Not to mention that property values there have plummeted recently. Nah... for my money, I'd much rather save up and make a more intelligent investment in one of the sprawling estates of Slender Heights.

All right, I let that metaphor a little loose and it got out of control. I admit it.

Am going to a screening tonight with a wine reception to follow, which means there will likely be wine there, as well as quite possibly some cheese and cracker-type comestibles. I'm going to need to make an especial effort to cool it with the goodies, as I don't want to press my luck. Besides, I don't want to overfeed my demon. He has enough to munch on in there.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 355 weight: 202.6 lbs
Total loss: 19.8 lbs

Thursday, October 7, 2010

I Ate an Entire Pizza my dream last night. It was really delicious, as I recall. Then I woke up and ate a banana. Yay, reality.

I actually haven't been too stellar eating-wise the past few days. Nothing God-awful, but more bread and dairy than I've been shooting for. However, because I've become really obsessed lately with this losing weight and getting in shape business, I literally worked my ass off (there, look - there's my ass, sitting there on the floor, right where I worked it off) this week. An hour and a half each of the past three days, and it's resulted in a new low weight. Only 6/10 of a pound to go before I've lost an even 20!

Hey, I signed with my new commercial agent yesterday! So it's official. Hopefully, I will be the new face of Tampax.

The kittens are doing well, even if they did rip open one of their toy mice and spill its guts all over the bed. I guess I need to blame the toy mouse manufacturer for that one. Dude - cats chew on these things. Maybe make 'em a little harder to get into. Come on, man.

Have an audition on Saturday for a sci-fi pilot, and then I'm trying out at the Laugh Factory on Tuesday. I have to get through two rounds of tryouts before I could be considered to be a regular there, but at least I'm on the path. There were some very unfunny people in line with me the other day while I was waiting to sign up. That can't be a bad sign.

Still waiting to hear from the two literary agents who requested to see my book. Although no news is good news, I guess. Wait - that's not right. Those sons of bitches need to get on the horn right now and offer me a deal. I'm not going to be this young and pretty forever.

In other news, my friend Jen Curran is in town this week and will be performing with her tremendously talented Harvard Sailing Team at the UCB Theatre in Los Angeles on Tuesday night at 11pm. If you're in the LA area, I urge you to check it out. But please don't get ahead of me in line. I need to see it more than you do.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 353 weight: 203.0 lbs
Total loss: 19.4 lbs

Sunday, October 3, 2010


Yes, that's right - Erin and I are now fostering two 8-week-old kittens. They're pretty cute, when they're not keeping us up all night or stinking up the place. Orion is the sweet one, Toby is the funny one with deep, emotional issues.

Amazingly, I have now gotten three auditions through Actor's Access in the past week, after having submitted constantly for about two months with no resuts. When it rains, it pours. Or, to use a more L.A.-appropriate metaphor, when it rains, it drizzles for about two and a half minutes and then stops.

So... really don't feel like writing a long post today, y'all. Just fulfilling my obligation of writing each time I reach a new low weight. Hey - LAY OFF ME. I got no sleep last night (I had a kitten relentlessly suckling my chin from 2 am to about 5) and there's football on today. Besides, I have to concentrate all my time and effort right now on not ordering a pizza.

It's one of those days.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 349 weight: 204.4 lbs
Total loss: 18.0 lbs

Friday, October 1, 2010

Landing an Agent vs. Landing a Plane

I got myself an agent!

I was referred to her by my good friend Jeff (we're even BETTER friends now!), and she emailed me shortly after I left her office to let me know she'd like to represent me! So... good bye, San Fernando Valley - hello, Hollywood!

By the way, for those of you who don't know, landing an agent out here is exceptionally difficult (unless you're one of those freaks who lucks into something right away, is related to someone, or performed explicit acts in exchange for accelerated career advancement). It really is more about networking and attending workshops and more than a little bit about luck than it is about sending out mailings, auditioning like crazy or performing other types of due diligence. However, you do MAKE your own luck, certainly, and I've been doing a good deal of that lately.

IS landing an agent more difficult than landing a plane? Well, here are some things to consider:
  • If you screw up while piloting a plane, there could be hundreds of fatalities, but if you screw up in an agent audition, there is the potential of only a single death
  • When landing a plane, everyone on board is rooting for you to do a good job, but all agents hate you, want you to do poorly, and more likely than not have a voodoo doll of you in their top drawer and are eagerly waiting for you to leave their office so they can use it
  • Planes aren't all up in your face about joining SAG
  • You can book both a 'part' and a 'flight.' That's neither here nor there, but isn't that interesting?
  • One scary scenario that can occur while trying to land a plane is that you suffer landing gear failure. A scary scenario that can occur while trying to land an agent is that you can forget to take one of their business cards.

Hm. Toss-up. I'll throw it out there on the CNN message board and see if I can get a consensus.

Anyway, down to a new low weight (thank you, thank you), and that's only 2 days after gorging myself on bread, pasta and gooey chocolate cakiness at the Olive Garden. I just buckled down immediately afterward, worked out extra long the 2 days following, and got back to a healthy eating routine (although I did polish off my leftovers, ya better believe).

Had an audition today - it was meh. Rocked the cold read, not so much on the improv. I just can't think on my feet. Not with cameras rolling and people watching coldly, expecting me to be spontaneously funny. I was thinking about that on my way home - I think I'm a funny guy, but I pretty much only pipe up when something humorous comes to me, or I'll only write a joke or sketch when something occurs to me. I'm not good at forcing it. I'm like a camel. Push me too far or ask me to walk longer than I feel like, and I'm going to spit at you.

I have another audition in a week - hopefully I can snag one of the two. I need me some moolah. (By the way, I have a PayPal account and am currently accepting donations)

Oh, and I may have to be without my laptop for 2 weeks. Yeah. Because computers are stupid. And because Best Buy is a butthole. That's right. I said it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 347 weight: 205.5 lbs
Total loss: 16.9 lbs