Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Life's Eve

Today is my last day. Tomorrow will be my first.

It's finally here. As of 1:00 pm this afternoon, I will be a free man. Free of the bonds of the 9-5 (8:30-5:30), free of the strains of conformity, free of the arrogant and hypocritical condescension of my superiors. Starting tomorrow, I work for myself. For how long and to what degree of success, only time will tell.

What an appropriate last day - the final day of the decade. This next decade is mine. I will become healthy - like, REALLY, genuinely healthy - I will sell a novel, sell a screenplay, stage my stand-up, book some paying roles, etc. It's the "etc" that I'm really pumped about. Sky's the limit.

I feel a definite transformation taking place in me. I'm getting back to where I was a decade ago, when I was young and enthusiastic and the world seemed full of possibilities. It's been a long time, but I welcome back the feeling wholeheartedly. I'm scared shitless, but couldn't be happier.

And I have the most amazing, most wonderfully supportive and beautiful person I have ever met to hold my hand and take the journey with me. I couldn't be doing this without her.

It's time. No more delays, no more excuses. Now, this time around, it's succeed or go hungry.

And you all know how much I'd hate to go hungry.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 69 weight: 215.9 lbs
Total loss: 6.5 lbs

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Indiana Kreisman and the Lost Bagel Bites

I was cleaning some stuff out of my fridge and freezer and found a box of never-opened bagel bites that had fallen behind the icebox.

Let the games begin.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 67 weight: 216.0 lbs
Total loss: 6.4 lbs

Forgive Me, Pizza, For I Have Sinned


When I started this whole blog deal-i-o, I had a problem - I needed to figure out how to lose weight. Now it seems I have a secondary dilemma - I need to figure out how to keep a daily blog. Just one more thing I need to fix. Awesome.

It's easy to explain why - it was Christmas Eve, and then it was Christmas, and then it was the day after Christmas, and then it was two days after Christmas. Aside from the busy-ness of it all, I was consuming things I shouldn't have, and I knew it. And one doesn't necessarily want to run right to their computer and blog about how much one has disappointed oneself. It wouldn't be so easy to go to confessional if, instead of just that one priest fellow, your entire family and circle of friends were on the other side of that screen.

I'm going to keep trying though - that's all I can do. Hopefully I'll get the hang of this sooner or later. Time will tell, but I think the beginning of 2010 is going to be the start of bigger and better things, the 'bigger' not referring to the size of my ass.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 66 weight: 216.2 lbs
Total loss: 6.2 lbs

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I'd Like to See You Not Eat Kahlua Cake

I feel like I'm mainly back on track food-wise, although I did have a slice of kahlua cake that one of my poker friends baked and brought to the game last night. It was as delicious as you might imagine. She asked me if I wanted her to leave the rest of it and, against my hungrier judgment, I said no.

Going out to eat with Erin tonight. I'm starving (yes - like the children in Africa), so I'm going to have to consume a bundle, but I'll do my best to pick something that won't completely stuff up my arteries.

I'm also TIRED. Took a nap on my lunch break today, and am fighting off another one as I write this. I am boring myself to SLEEP.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 61 weight: 215.2 lbs
Total loss: 7.2 lbs

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

The Stomach Wants What It Wants

I actually did a pretty good job yesterday - I was no Gandhi, of course, but I did stick to just 3 Special K bars during the day, a Weight Watchers TV dinner, a few oatmeal squares and a little fruit. For me, that's pretty much the equivalent of a cleanse.

Done so-so today - I had a couple bad things, but haven't eaten much. So, okay, I haven't put any nutrients into my body today, but nutrients get too much press, in my opinion. Besides, that one cookie had a raspberry in it, I think.

I did get some exercise running around a bit today as well, helping out at work with a Video Blog shoot. With cameraman Rob, who is a giant prick. I hope you're reading this right now, Cameraman Rob. You need to get your head out of your ass. You're not all that, fuckstick.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 60 weight: 215.4 lbs
Total loss: 7.0 lbs

Monday, December 21, 2009

And On the 59th Day He Fasted

Okay, so this hasn't been going so well. Holiday party on Saturday night, holiday party last night, and little to no self-control at either.

But I don't want you, my loyal readers (my parents and girlfriend), to start doubting that I'm going to make this happen - the fact is that, although I may have put a few pounds back on since reaching my low point, I am on the verge of a great surge in my weight loss efforts.

My last day of work is now officially 12/31, which means that, beginning 1/1 (how appropriate!), I will be away from the temptations of the office kitchen, I will have less money with which to buy food, and will have plenty of time and energy to go regularly to the gym. The pounds are going to come off in a hurry - I feel confident about this. Besides, I've put on less weight this season than I usually do at the holidays, so even if I am doing myself harm, at least it's less harm than I usually do myself.

So today I'm fasting. Not COMPLETELY, of course - I have a hard enough time not eating when I'm NOT hungry. But I haven't eaten anything yet today, and am going to see how long I can keep it going. Just a one-day thing, to give my stomach a rest and shrink it back down a few sizes.

But my, am I hungry already. Oo-ee...

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 59 weight: I'm afraid of the scale
Total loss: You're like a broken record

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Just Barely a Blog Post

Off to a White Trash Christmas Party!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 58 weight: Not sure
Total loss: Lay off me

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Oh No!

Oh no! I really, seriously, honestly thought I wrote my blog yesterday! I was thinking about it last night, and asked myself, "Wait - did I write my blog today?" and after some consideration I said to myself, "Yes, I did indeed write my blog today." THAT'S why I didn't write yesterday - not out of laziness or shame, but out of pure, stupid forgetfulness! DAMMIT!

Anyway, I haven't weighed myself in a few days, so I don't know what to tell you. I'm happy to not be in my office right now, with shit galore all over the place, I can say that much.

Going to a holiday party tonight, and another tomorrow. I'm sure they'll be fun, but damn. What am I supposed to do? Nosh on carrots like a giant dork? I suppose that technically I COULD, but I'm pretty certain Santa would be ashamed of me. I'd rather not take that chance.

I was going to ask Jamey this morning if he'd like to play tennis, but he had to go caroling. Oh yes. My roommate carols.

At least I got plenty of sleep last night. I actually took a 4 hour nap when I got home from work yesterday, which was... AMAZING. And then another 7 hours or so later on. So I'm well-rested. Well-rested and fat. Like my good friend Santa.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 56-57 weight: Does it really matter?
Total loss: Can't we all just get along?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

No Rest for the Flabby

I'm going to need to make some serious changes to my sleep habits. I'm realizing that my routine nights of 3, 4, 5 hours of sleep have the following negative effects:

1) Getting lots of rest helps you lose weight. I'm pretty sure I've heard that somewhere.
2) I'm always too tired to go to the gym.
3) This leaves 19, 20, 21 hours for potential eating.

Of course, once I am free of the bonds of the 9 to 5, this will be an easier thing to turn around. I still intend to be pretty strict with myself about putting in full days of work, but I'm sure as hell not starting at NINE, for Chrissakes.

I'm going to try to work out tonight - at LEAST go for a long, brisk walk. The problem is that I got 3 hours of sleep on Tuesday night and about 5 hours last night. So I'm hurtin'.

I'm also beginning to realize that Cardball - the card game I invented that simulates the game of football - is not as much exercise as the real thing. I played two games yesterday and barely broke a sweat. I did, however, improve to 11-3 on the season, so put that on your spoon and eat it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 55 weight: Two-hundred-something
Total loss: You do the math

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

There Will Be Blood Sausage III: Return of Jafar

I am writing this post purely to fulfill my obligation to write three posts today.

There. I did it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

There Will Be Blood Sausage II

I like the idea that this post is in any way a continuation of the last one. As if I said anything whatsoever in my previous post.

Things have not been going well on the weight loss front, I'll be honest. Perhaps that is why I've had such a difficult time making myself sit down to write - because I don't have any good news to report. I know it's the holidays, but I've said all along that I don't want to make excuses - there are plenty of people who are able to resist temptation no matter the season. There's no reason I couldn't be one of those people.

After getting off to a good start, I have now gone backwards a bit, losing a total of 6.6 pounds in 54 days. That's 0.12 pounds per day. At this rate, it would take me 4 years and 359 days to get down to 0 pounds. I'm sorry, but that's just too long to wait to achieve weightlessness.

It comes down to this - I NEED to write here every day. Once I started getting lax about the blog, my body started getting lax about not being fat. And I KNOW there's a correlation - that's why I started this damn blog in the first place.

So here's my New Year's resolution a bit early - keep up with my blog every day that I have computer access. If nothing else, it keeps me out of the kitchen for a few minutes.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

There Will Be Blood Sausage

Again, not sure what the title of this post has to do with anything. I just like it. And you can't do anything about it, because it's my blog. So suck it.

As penance for me going so long without writing my blog, I will today attempt to write three separate posts to make up for it.

That being the case, I should probably try to keep these pretty short.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 48-53 weight: 97,848 grams
Total loss: .0022 metric tons

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 54 weight: 215.8 lbs
Total loss: 6.6 lbs

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Blog of Eternal Stench

The title of this post has nothing whatsoever to do with anything. I just thought of it, and I had to use it. If you don't get the reference, you really need to get your Labyrinth on.

I wish it wasn't so dang cold outside. Yes, I'm sorry, my Midwest readers, I am indeed complaining about the frigid temperatures of Southern California. It's not my fault that you have chosen to continue living in such an uninhabitable environment. I moved my chilly ass out of there. And I have every right to complain, as all things are relative. So yeah. I'm freezing.

Kind of felt like taking a walk/jog tonight, too, so that's unfortunate. I'm mostly better, but I still have too much of a lingering cough to dare chance it.

There is a cookie basket in the kitchen. I repeat: there is a cookie basket in the kitchen. And it's from Cheryl & Co. RIGHT? Of course I had a cookie. I'm human. I'm not one of those bloodless, heartless, brainless automatons who can look at a Cheryl & Co. cookie basket and say, "Oh yeah, none for me, thanks." Whatever, robot.

You remind me of the babe. What babe? Babe with the power. What power? Power of voodoo. Who do? You do? Do what? Remind me of the babe.

Dance, magic. Dance.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 48 weight: 215.2 lbs
Total loss: 7.2 lbs

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Damage Control to Major Todd

Okay - my family and their delicious, sirenous lasagna are now gone, so I can get back to the business of losing my bigness.

I continue to hover in weight these days, which is not so good. But I'm feeling positive nonetheless. First of all, despite my resolve to not resort to excuses, it IS the holidays, and my family DID just visit. Maintaining for the time being is not the WORST thing in the world. But I am also keeping in mind that I will soon have plenty more time to be at the gym, and plenty less money with which to buy food. Talk about setting yourself up for success.

I've been back to eating healthier the last couple days, and my appetite has been lessened due to my recent re-illness, so that's helping things along. I bought a citrus salad I think I might eat tonight. Among other things, of course.

I just saw a picture of myself from college that I had never seen. I look skinny and passably handsome in it. I'm sure some of that is due to the fact that I wasn't a Baldy McBalderson back then, but there's no reason I could not someday look like, at the very least, a HAIRLESS Russell Crowe. It's better than a hairless Drew Carey.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 45-46 weight: Neither here nor there
Total loss: Wish I could tell you

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 47 weight: 215.6 lbs
Total loss: 6.8 lbs

Sunday, December 6, 2009


My family is still in town and I haven't spent too much time at a computer, hence the lapse between posts. I REALLY, REALLY swear I'm going to get back to doing this daily, but it's been tough to keep it up as of late. The fam flies out Monday morning, so I should be able to get back into the swing of things after then.

Yesterday we spent all day at Disneyland. Guess what they have at Disneyland. Rides, sure. Yeah, they have a few rides. But FOOD. Ohmigod - FOOD.

We stayed at a hotel near the park the night before and had a late breakfast before heading over, so I was thinking we might get away with just having one more meal later in the day, and I might escape with my caloric intake for the day still reasonably intact. But there was that ice cream place on Paradise Pier that does the different flavor swirls, and there was a chocolate peanut butter sandwich thing-a-ma-bob that I had to buy at one point. And I bought a coffee so strong that it required 5 creamers and 4 packs of sugar in order to make it palatable. These things added up.

I also downed half a turkey club sandwich with potato salad and half a bowl of Pasta Jumbalaya at a New Orleans place in Downtown Disney. We did a good deal of walking during the course of the day at least, but Disneyland is certainly not for the fat of heart.

Tonight we hung around my apartment and played games, but there was also a pizza that got ordered, and some of it may have found its way into my belly. Despite my recent slip-ups, I'm doing all right - down a few tenths since my last post, although I still need to turn it up to get back down to my low, which I'd like to do posthaste.

Tomorrow night Erin and my mother are co-cooking the rest of us a certain-to-be-amazing homemade dinner. Can't wait, but hope they're not planning to deep-fry anything. My self-control needs a vacation.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 41-43 weight: Reply hazy, try again
Total loss: Ask again later

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 44 weight: 214.8 lbs
Total loss: 7.6 lbs

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

That's What I Get

I went a few days without writing a post, and look what happened. I gained back about a pound and a half. Well, it's my own damn fault, now isn't it?

Granted, only gaining back a pound and a half is not the worst thing in the world to happen over the course of Thanksgiving weekend. I've really made it tough on myself, starting out this diet with a cruise, immediately followed by the holidays. BUT - no more excuses! I was good today, and shall tally forth!

The cookie baskets have begun arriving in the office. Probably best that I'm off for the next three days. There were some peanut blossoms in that last one. Good thing nobody broke the plastic on it before I left.

And... I'm getting sick again. Excellent. Most likely due to the mold that must certainly be forming in our tenement. I'm tired of this - this being sick business. I may be starting a new blog - Condemn the Phlegm. You should go follow that one, too. Collect the whole set.

The fam gets in tonight! Any minute, as a matter of fact! And my mother has sworn that she brought no chocolate with her! I'll believe it when I see it.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 37-39 weight: Not good
Total loss: 3 days

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 40 weight: 215.1 lbs
Total loss: 7.3 lbs