Wednesday, February 24, 2010

My Theory of Relativity

Let's look at where we're at, shall we?

I have lost about 13 pounds in 124 days. That's about 1 pound every 10 days. That's not real great.

BUT, all things are relative, I say. I'm in a lot better shape, for example, than someone who has lost 30 pounds and then gained back 17 of it. I'm still going in the right direction, and I haven't succumbed to one of those yo-yo diets. Instead I'm eating good, healthy food (for the most part) and am feeling like I could really make these some never-ending changes in my life.

Plus, I don't really look at it like 13 pounds. It's more like 25. Because, at the rate I was going, I probably would have weighed about 234 pounds right now if I hadn't taken action. So that makes me feel a little better.

Anyway, I've been better since that pizza episode. Although I did eat some unnecessary carbs today.

In other news, I'm going to go do stand-up again tonight - hopefully I'll feel slightly less nervous than the last time, although this time it will be in front of more people. I still eagerly await my first heckler. That's going to be an adventure.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 124 weight: 209.5 lbs
Total loss: 12.9 lbs

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Apparently, I WANT to Be Fat

So yesterday I got on the scale and saw that I'd gotten down under 210 lbs! And what did I do? Had pizza and freakin' Cinna Stix for dinner. Why was I so self-destructive? Wasn't I supposed to be encouraged by the good news and feel inspired to keep it up? Isn't it supposed to work that way?

Who knows. It would take a team of therapists to sort out my issues. A team of therapists who are willing to work pro bono.

Well, I'm eating an apple right now, so whatever.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 121 weight: 209.7 lbs (plus whatever I gained yesterday)
Total loss: 12.7 lbs (minus whatever I gained yesterday)

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Will the Real Todd Kreisman Please Stand-Up?

I did, I did!

Last night, for the first time ever (if you don't count my performance in Side Work, which I don't, for the purposes of this post), I performed my stand-up act. Live. In front of people. At an actual place. With walls and a door. That served coffee. Regular or decaf. Or lattes.

For an open mic, the level of talent was actually impressive. 95% of the people performing at an open mic are supposed to suck, and last night that number was actually a lot closer to 38%. Which made it tougher for me to look great or stand out, but also encouraged me to bring my A game.

It went very well. I didn't 'f' up any lines, I didn't have to refer to my cheat sheet, I didn't pee myself, and my fan club told me that I looked very polished and natural, and that no one would have ever guessed that it was my first time. So yay me! The plan now is to keep performing every so often at this place, so that I can get to know some of the other comics and keep fine-tuning my material and introducing new stuff, and also start trying out some other local places, to keep me on my toes. But I am no longer a stand-up virgin. It was starting to feel for a while there like one of those dreams I was never going to realize. If nothing else, at least I can check one more potential regret off the list.

I'm still sailing through my novel, and should have it completed (the first draft, anyway) by the time I go back to Chicago in about a month. Which means that I'll be able to sit down with my little brother (for whom I am writing it) and read the whole thing to him, start to finish. I'm excited about that.

Oh, and I'm going to the gym today, dammit.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 118 weight: 210.8 lbs
Total loss: 11.6 lbs

Sunday, February 14, 2010

I Have No Idea How Much I Weigh

Haven't done the old weigh in for a few days, so who knows. I'll tell you one thing - I'm fatter than 99.9% of these Olympians. I might be in better shape than one or two of the curlers, I'm not sure. You don't have to be in that great of shape to let go of a rock.

Not that I'm disrespecting curling. Are you kidding? Best sport in the Olympics. When I'm rich and famous, my house will have three things - library, poker room, curling rink. The Clue version of my life will be AMAZING.

I've been writing the shit out of my book lately. I think I'm over that hump, where I get stuck or don't know where the story is going next (even though I always know where it's going in the long run). I'm breezing through it at this point and, now that I've reformatted it to be submission ready, it's actually up to 184 pages! Not that longer is better, but it sure makes me feel like I'm accomplishing something.

Been working on a couple of audition monologues, in case I get called upon for something other than a cold read, and I've also been running the five-minute version of my stand-up routine, which I'm performing Wednesday. So there are balls in the air.

That made it sound like I'll be juggling. I won't be juggling. Don't get excited.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 114 weight: Less than that
Total loss: The difference between those two

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Beef Twinkies

Okay, so I've never posted a picture in one of my blogs before, but I figured this is as good a one as any to be the first:

I am now officially not hungry for either red meat or junk food. Thank you, picture of Beef Twinkies. You have made me desire carrot sticks. Bravo.

Okay, so I haven't been doing well on the ol' diet. Here's the problem - Tuesday was my home game poker championship, and I bought everyone pizza, pasta, beer, sodas, desserts, chips, and Goldfish crackers. However, I apparently bought enough for poker players everywhere. There was quite a bit leftover, and I have not done that great a job avoiding it. I should have just tossed it all out or given it away, but the other problem is that I spent so much money on it all that I felt like I needed to eat it just to get my money's worth. Make sense? Am I crazy? I mean - I know I'm fat, but am I also crazy?

Plus, I did not win, nor did I even cash, so I have been stress noshing. I really wanted to win. (Crunch crunch nibble nibble)

Goldfish crackers are killer, by the way. Would they taste nearly as good if they were not shaped like smiling fish? Doubtful. The very least they could do would be to include some fish oil, so at least they had some nutritional benefit. Maybe the makers of Beef Twinkies will come out with that. Goldfish crackers - now with 100% real fish oil! Throw a couple of scallops in there... you got yourself a party.

So I've decided I'm going to perform my stand-up... FINALLY. This coming Wednesday, at a little coffeehouse called Cafe Muse in Hollywood. Comfortable atmosphere, support of a lot of other aspiring comics, no one I'm afraid to follow. Seems like the right place. I have to trim my material down to five minutes though. And I have to not let that screw me up. Good luck, basketcase.

Oh, and I'm going to hit 100 pages in my novel tonight or tomorrow! SUCK IT, short stories and novellas! This one's going to be a LONG one! (That's what she said)

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 111 weight: 212.3 lbs
Total loss: 10.1 lbs

Monday, February 8, 2010

British Columbian Druglords

The title of this post doesn't really mean anything, other than it being a reference to my trip to Canada this past weekend. I just think the idea of a British Columbian druglord is humorous. And I'd be willing to bet I'm not alone in this.

So yeah - Erin and I took an impromptu trip to Canada! We knew we'd be going sometime soon, but I've certainly never traveled internationally without knowing when I would be doing so at least a week in advance. It was a great trip - we visited her mother and met her mother's boyfriend, lucked out with some fabulous weather, and got to see a lot of beautiful Vancouver and Vancouver Island.

And we ate some food.

I could have been worse. I definitely could have been better. We did a lot of walking, and I did eat a lot of fruits and veggies, but I think a lot of their benefits were equalized by some of the non-fruits and anti-veggies that also went shooting down my gullet. There was poutine, for example. French fries and curd cheese drenched in gravy. I was actually pretty well-behaved in the poutine department, but you get the idea. I also consumed a few alcoholic beverages, which may or may not have been topped with whipped cream. And for those of you who are judging me right now, it's not my fault that there are things in this world more delicious than beer. Get over yourself.

And then, of course, there was Super Bowl Sunday. Ate a little pizza, I sure did. Not gonna let you make me feel guilty about it either. I needed it. It was too stressful waiting to see if the Bears were going to be able to pull it out. OH WAIT.

BUT. I'm going to the gym as soon as my laundry is done, and I'm back to my Omega-3 egg, banana, flaxseed supplement, yogurt, nuts and seeds diet.

Until tonight anyway, when I take Erin out to dinner for our two-year anniversary and I gorge myself on a plateful of gnocchi or some such nonsense.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 108 weight: 211.7 lbs
Total loss: 10.7 lbs

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

For the Love of Todd

Whoa. Has it really been that long since my last post? SHEESH. Sorry about that guys. Talk about lost time. I think there's a decent chance I was abducted by aliens for a few days. I can't think of another way to explain it.

Anyway, I've cheated a couple times in the past few days, but for the most part am sticking to my new diet of mostly unprocessed foods, food containing Omega-3, etc. I picked up some flaxseed supplements and have started taking those (did I write about this already? If I did, apologies), and my eating schedule has improved drastically as well. So I haven't seen any fabulous results in the past week. That's okay. I know I'm on the right track now, so that scale can taunt me all it wants. I know what's what.

I've also been advised to start up my own website. A little portal to all of my writing, acting, blogging and stand-up shit. I'm thinking of going with, but I'm not 100% sure yet. If you have a better idea, please share! (Please, however, don't waste my time with worse ideas. Why would I want to go with a worse idea than the one I have currently?)

I've been zipping through my novel (the one I'm writing) the past few days, and have also written a good chunk of the sitcom pilot my roommate and I are writing. I've fallen off the submitting wagon a little bit in the past week, but I'm hopping back on starting TODAY. I'm also going to start taking a little more seriously such things as writer groups, conferences, workshops, etc. Some are pricey, but there are also some that aren't, and I'm learning more and more that these are the most surefire pathways to success.

And hey! I've also been invited to write a guest blog on! I haven't written my first post for it yet, but it may be up as early as Thursday... check out the site, and I'll keep you in the loop!

Okay, until next time, keep it rizzle, my nizzles.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 102 weight: 210.5 lbs
Total loss: 11.9 lbs