Saturday, October 31, 2009

I Have $400 and You Don't

Won $400 last night at a poker tournament/birthday party in West LA. Bet you wish you were me.

Funny how one's perception changes in a week's time. To be honest, I thought I slipped up a bit, but turns out I really didn't do that badly, and actually lost about another pound. I was good about completely avoiding the candy and birthday cake, but I did have a few chicken nuggets and a handful of meatballs (although I used a plate), and then another bowl of Solley's matzoh with rye bread when I got home. But I did a bit of walking, too, and ate some veggies, so maybe that evened things out.

Anyway, picked up some nice extra cruise money. If I don't blow it all on hookers.

Today is the Hall of Ween. Truthfully, I haven't been especially tempted by candy and whatnot in the past week, so I'm not super worried about that. BUT I do still enjoy me some food. And there stands to be plenty of that here and there over the course of the next 24 hours. Now that I think about it, it is almost EXACTLY like the show "24." Except, instead of having to thwart the efforts of a group of terrorists, I may have to roundhouse kick a renegate band of pasta dishes and coldcock an anti-establishment mozzarella stick or two. DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME.

Have not yet accomplished any of the three mini-goals I set for myself this weekend, but dude! It's only 2:30 pm on Saturday - cut me some slack! Going to head out in a few to pick up the vitamins, then off to purchase some last-minute costume accessories, then to the Magic Castle, then to a party, then to the toilet, then to bed. I've got it all laid out. Tomorrow I'll focus on the neck exercises and the writing submission. And the Bears' devastating loss to the Browns.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 9 weight: 216.8 lbs
Total loss: 5.6 lbs

Friday, October 30, 2009


Well this is going to suck.

No candy. No pumpkin pie. No biting people in the neck and sucking their blood. Too many calories.

Am a bit sick at the moment. Trying to fight through it, but felt pretty crappy yesterday. After work, swung by Solley's and picked up a couple bowls of matzoh ball soup. GOD BLESS THE MATZOH BALL. If you haven't had Solley's matzoh ball soup, I DEMAND that you get in your car right now and drive there. I don't care if you live 2,000 miles away, are allergic to matzoh, or don't have a driver's license. DO IT.

I did pound the four slices of rye bread that came with it, but that was really yesterday's only indiscretion. The biggest problem with being sick is that laying on your couch huddled under a blanket is 0 activity points. Even when you're shivering uncontrollably, that's still only like 0.3 activity points.

Okay - need to set some non-weight-loss goals for myself this weekend.

1) Purchase some vitamins. Consider ingesting them.
2) Research a couple good neck exercises, and do them.
3) Look into at least one possible publisher/agent opportunity, and prepare a submission.

There. That should get me off my back.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 8 weight: 217.7 lbs
Total loss: 4.7 lbs

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Gay Bed and Breakfast of Terror

Erin, Mary and I sat around the television and carved pumpkins last night, and that's the title of the movie we watched.

It was for Halloween.

I'm not gay, mother.

Anyway. It was terrifying.

Mary made a caprese salad and Erin made dinner - veggies and some kind of meatless meat with spaghetti squash (or spaghetti SQUOOSH, as she terms it). Delish. Later on, snacked on a few pumpkin seeds and a popcorn ball. A whole ball of popcorn. Makes one wonder why they don't process other foods in other shapes. Pizza cube. Lobster pyramid. Burger tetrahedron. The list goes on.

The sandwich shop downstairs in my office building closed down due to a health violation, so that's good. If only every eating establishment in the world would close down to health violations. My, I sure would lose weight then.

Been good today - Nutri-Grain bar for breakfast, turkey sandwich and veggies for lunch. Haven't weighed myself yet, and may not have a chance until tomorrow. Even though I'm dying to know. Sadly, I'm not being sarcastic. I love numbers.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 7 weight: unknown
Total loss: ERROR

P.S. Beware of Manfred. He'll getcha.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Blog O' Sphere

I just thought of this great alternate title I could have used for my blog. "Blog O' Sphere."

'Cause I'm fat. Get it? You don't get it.

Moving on. I went to Lido's yesterday, and had minestrone soup, a side salad, and one roll. Pretty good, especially considering the massive pizza that also inhabited our table. (It was covered with fungus, so was actually pretty easy to resist)

Did okay-but-not-great during poker last night. Had a few chips and pretzels but didn't go crazy. I did eat about a quarter of a cupcake, which wasn't a smooth move, but I still stayed under points for the day AND dropped a couple more tenths of a pound, so fuck off.

Going to be pumpkin carving tonight, so maybe I'll snack on some pumpkin seeds. OR maybe I'll eat a whole pumpkin pie. It'll be a crapshoot.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 6 weight: 217.9 lbs
Total loss: 4.5 lbs

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Vegging Out

Had a snack yesterday of baby carrots, celery, broccoli and cherry tomatoes.


There was, of course, some veggie dip involved, but a guy needs something to get all that nastiness to stay down.

Stayed within points again, and it showed on the ol' scale this morning. True - it's the first time since I started this blog that I've weighed myself in the morning (which I need to start doing), but still. Don't rain on my parade.

It was recommended to me by someone that I only weigh myself weekly, but that person (my mother) obviously does not have a firm grasp of how my brain works. By weighing myself daily, I am collecting more data, and more data means a MORE ELABORATE SPREADSHEET. That's right. I am going to get in shape via Excel.

I did go to the gym last night. 15 minutes on the stairs, 15 on the bike, 15 on the treadmill. Will start back up on the weight machines once my head feels in less danger of falling off.

It's poker night tonight - need to lay off the chips and pretzels. I should probably just go ahead and win, so that I'm not tempted to nosh out of frustration.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 5 weight: 218.1 lbs
Total loss: 4.3 lbs

Monday, October 26, 2009


My scale may be defective. Not that I'm arguing with it. But it's telling me that I lost 3.8 pounds since yesterday.

Don't get me wrong - I behaved myself pretty well. Subway, Special K bars, just a taste of frozen yogurt. But I don't think I was 3.8 pounds good. I mean, I didn't make myself throw up or anything.

Anyway, I'll take it. I welcome progress with open arms.

I'm also going to the gym tonight. I think I'm going to the gym tonight. If Erin calls me back in the next half hour and still wants to go, I'm going to the gym. But if she doesn't call or doesn't feel up to it, then I am definitely not going to the gym. There are a lot of stars that need to align in order for me to go to the gym.

Tell you what - if I don't go to the gym, I'll at least do some sit-ups. And then I'll eat a pizza. KIDDING. Jesus, relax.

Among the other items of lard I intend to discard is my neck pain. I'm not quite sure why I was born with a neck that feels like someone forgot to remove a hanger from it, but there it is. I need to research some exercises that I can start doing regularly to loosen it the hell up. Hopefully healthier eats and the gradual removal of stress from my life will help as well.

Vitamins would probably be a good thing for me to start taking, huh? Anyone got any helpful suggestions? I'm partial to the Flintstone ones, personally. But I know those are for kids, so... are there any shaped like the cast of The Office? I would take those. But I would steer clear of the 'Creed's.

I need to work my way from 12-inch Subway sandwiches to 6-inch ones. All in good time, my pet. It's going to take a little while for my stomach to shrink down to normal human size.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 4 weight: 219.9 lbs
Total loss: 2.5 lbs

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Well If It Was Easy, This Wouldn't Be a Very Interesting Blog, Now Would It?

Note to self: do not begin a diet immediately before trekking to a German beer garden for Oktoberfest.

Granted, I could have been worse. I managed to stick to one stein of beer (despite a number of my highly intoxicated friends attempting to bring peer pressure back into style), and one Polish sausage on a bun with German potato salad. I later did, however, partake of a good portion of the largest pretzel you have ever seen and/or heard of. Seriously. Take what you're picturing - now double it.

And then this afternoon I needed to drown my Bears-induced sorrows a little bit with a couple of cocktails and part of a (meatless) breakfast burrito. 45-10 the final. Okay - now you understand.

But I'm getting right back on track - I will not let this slight lapse transform into failure!

When I stepped on the scale today, before registering a number it said, "Err." Whether this is short for "Error" or simply my scale's way of stalling for time - not good.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 3 weight: 223.7 lbs
Total loss: -1.3 lbs

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Dining Al Fresco

I guess I was pretty good yesterday - lost 7/10 of a pound!

I even watched plates of Oreo cookie cake pass within inches of my nose last night and successfully resisted. I did get two tacos from Taco Bell later on (as I was forced to go there by two tipsy girls), but I got chicken instead of beef and ordered them al fresco. Look at me making sensible choices in less than ideal circumstances!

This morning I started counting points. I've had 15 so far today - tonight will be rough though, so I'm going to have to tread carefully.

Okay, I'm going to have to wrap this one early today because I'm on my way out the door to a drunken sausagefest! (Don't worry, Mom - it's a literal one)

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 2 weight: 221.7 lbs
Total loss: 0.7 lbs

Friday, October 23, 2009

What a Difference a Day Makes

Slight change of plans.

Without going into too much detail, certain circumstances transpired today to make it fairly apparent that, one way or another, I will not be employed at my present place of enjoyment for very much longer.

Huzzah! That's one of the items on my list!

I hadn't anticipated this happening so soon, however. And so, because I will certainly not last the length of the office weight loss program, I opted to withhold the $186 sign-up fee and instead set my money aside for more pressing purposes, such as food and shelter.

But never fear, my loyal one-day followers! $1,500 or no, I'm still going to do this thing! Same goal, same timeline. IT'S ON.

I weigh 222.4 pounds.

Here are some other things that weigh 222.4 pounds:

28 human heads
11 automobile tires
7 cinder blocks
2 fashion models
Arnold Shwarzeneggar
1/2 of a Welsh pony

In other words, I weigh a bit.

Here's the goal: lose 30 pounds in four months. (192.4 by February 23rd) I would ultimately like to end up in the 170-180 range, but I don't want to put a precise number on it - I'll stop losing once I feel trim and healthy.

I went grocery shopping after work today and didn't buy anything fun. BUT! My plan is to gradually brainwash myself into believing that certain untasty comestibles (such as all those in the vegetable family) are gloriously delicious. This I will accomplish by continually consuming the bland things until my body craves it and knows no other sustenance. I'm going to have to lay 100% off the bad stuff. I've tried in the past letting myself have a nibble here and there so that I'm not depriving myself entirely. Didn't take.

No - from now on my desserts are caramel corn rice cakes and fruit-flavored icicles. Once I reach a healthier weight I will let up a tad, but in the meantime I must go whole hog (like my breakfast this morning).

Tomorrow I'll start counting points. Hell, why not still use the Weight Watchers formula, even if I'm not going to be participating in the program - those people seem to know what they're doing. I get 35 points a day. That's like one sandwich.

Here's hoping I can drop a cinder block or two.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

The Lard in My Life

Greetings, no one.

Hopefully, no one will soon become someone, and then someone will become many someones, and this blog will get read. Because as many things as I plan on starting to do for my health, writing this blog is not one of them.

I am writing this blog because of the lard in my life. Sure, some of that is the literal lard - this extra person I've been carting around my midsection for the past couple of years, whom I am not even able to claim on my taxes.

But there is plenty of other lard that has been weighing me down - the lard of artistic ambitions that have failed to materialize, the lard of friendships I have neglected to nurture or cultivate in the interest of trivial pursuits (not the board game), the lard of an 80-year-old back that prohibits me from living the life of a 31-year-old, the lard of a day job I no longer find amusing, the lard of financial hardship in spite of living a more-or-less monkish existence.

It is all this fat that I intend to trim. However, in the interest of focus, I will be writing mainly about my actual lard.

It's been a long time since I felt comfortable in my own skin. And that's a terrible thing to not feel comfortable in, because you can't take your skin back to Target and return it. Especially not after you've stretched it out as I have done.

As far as I can tell, the problem is accountability. It seems that when someone asks me to do something, unless I have some compelling reason not to, I do it. But there's no one standing around, waggling their finger at me on a daily basis and urging me to put down that lemon poppyseed muffin (which are DELICIOUS, by the way). So I need to do it. I need to do my own finger-waggling. And maybe keeping a regular blog is the way to do that. It's worth a shot.

Granted, there WAS another impetus behind my sudden crusade to retire the tire. Starting tomorrow, my office is beginning a program to make their employees less fat and ugly. They didn't put it quite that way, but that's the gist. Once a week, some of the good folks from Weight Watchers will be coming into the office, loading us down with some brochures and point calculators, and then charting our progress over a three month period. If I can lose 10% of my body weight in that time, and then keep it off for another month, I will score a cool $1,500.

Not kidding.

Yeah, it would have been nice if I'd simply decided to do this for me, but... hey. $1,500. You can buy things with that.

So here we are. The first weigh-in is tomorrow, and I'm doing my best to pack it on as much as possible beforehand. We're talking comfort food from Mel's and ice cream from Coldstone tonight, then possibly an entire pig tomorrow morning.

I'll keep you all (e.g. nobody) in the loop on my progress. And, of course, my goal is to lose much more than 10% of my weight. My aim by the end of this experiment is to be extraordinarily fit, healthy and happy. So that it doesn't sting as badly when I have a night like I'm about to have.