Hey, Holidays. IT'S ON.

All right, so it's been a couple weeks and I only have two-tenths of a pound to show for it. But here's what happened. I was kidnapped by terrorists who forced me to consume large quantities of trans fatty acids and processed beef products for days on end, and then strapped me down to a table so I couldn't exercise, even though I so dearly wanted to. Good news is I escaped, detoxified my body of said ill nutrition, and worked off the unwanted poundage. (Note: the terrorists went by the names of Laziness, Complacency and Munchies. A $100 reward is being offered for their seizure.)

The holidays are upon us, like a rabid, wild-eyed dog who's been chasing us for 15 city blocks. And that dog comes bearing gifts of chocolate and jam-filled pastries. It's ai-ight though. I'll be strong. I think. I'm about 80% sure I'll be strong. I just have to watch out for terrorists.

I'm going home in less than a month, and that won't be easy. Hopefully my mother (who is reading this post as we speak) won't be too crazy this year in terms of putting together her annual calorie spread on the kitchen counter. There's going to be deep dish pizza at some point - there's no getting around that - but maybe I can stop myself at half a pie this year. And maybe Santa will bring me liposuction infiltration tubing or a set of waist compression garments. LIKE I ASKED FOR LAST YEAR. Sheesh, Santa.

I have audition #2 at the Laugh Factory coming up on Tuesday, and then another stand-up contest in Burbank on the 28th. According to my personal timeline, I should be appearing on Conan some time in January, will be shooting my HBO special in early February, and then will be hosting the Oscars later that month. Wait, hold on - I forgot I'm planning a trip to Laughlin in early February. Better push the HBO special back to March.

No auditions in a while, even though I'm submitting myself every day. Unfortunately, most of the postings seem to be looking for someone who's in great shape, someone who's morbidly obese, or someone who's under 4'6". Seriously. If you're a little person and looking to kick-start your acting career, this is the place to be. There's a huge call for your kind at the moment.

Okay, this has been enough weird for one day.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 393 weight: 199.1 lbs
Total loss: 23.3 lbs