The Curse of Carb Island

Well, it's here. The best/worst day of the year. Other addicts don't have to deal with this sort of thing. There's no National Heroin Day. No Aerosol Sniffing Day. No Drink 'Til You Drop Day. Oh, hang on. That's Christmas.

Point being that there is about to be an absolute parade of calories marching through our front door in a number of hours. We're having 25 people over this year. Last year we had 18, and this was one of the tables of food:

Appropriately named "Carb Island"

I'm going to try to control myself. I'm doing everything I can - blinders, throat guard, shock collar, the whole shebang. Even still, I am going to eat. But no seconds. Except maybe on the mac n' cheese. And I'm cutting myself off after one pie. 

So yeah, today will be rough. But I'm off to a good start. Down over three pounds after week one. Have been eating well for the most part, limiting intake quantity, and have gotten my butt to the gym several times, including once when it was cold and raining. I had agita the entire way there, because usually I'll only drive under those conditions when I need to take someone to urgent care. 

Things are going well in the writing department as well. I finally finished the last draft of my novel and formatted it so that it's submission-ready. Getting it into the hands of an editor next week, into the hands of an agent the week after that, into the hands of a publisher the week after that, and into the many hands of my adoring fans the week after that. Don't forget to pre-order your copy on Amazon. 

One thing that's been helping me, I think, is that I've been meditating each morning. I'm not sitting on any pillows, or going full-lotus, or doing any "om"-ing. Just a few minutes at the start of each day to focus, remind myself of my short-term and long-term goals, and make a mental list of everything I want to accomplish before my head hits the pillow (for my afternoon nap). It seems to be working. But we'll see how long I can keep it up. That's an awful lot of time to spend with myself. 

Okay - Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Stuff your damn faces. Don't forget to breathe in-between bites. 

Starting weight: x lbs

Day 7 weight: x - 3.2 lbs

Total loss: 3.2 lbs

The Changing of the Lard

Well. It's been more than five years since I've written a post to this blog. Here are some interesting facts about the world back in March 2011:

• The Cubs hadn't won a World Series since 1908.
• Osama bin Laden was still alive.
• I was single. Well, I had a fiancee, but whatevs. 
• Occupy Wall Street wasn't a thing yet.
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were still together. 
• Every awesome, amazing person on Earth wasn't dead (thanks, 2016).
• I didn't weigh roughly the same as an Amazonian manatee.

Sigh. Yeah, I took the fat-and-happy thing and ran with it (the only running I've done since 2011). Which is why I feel the need to start up this blog again. The first time around I lost over 20 pounds. Not nearly as much as I wanted to lose back then, and certainly not as much as I need to lose this time around, but I figure the accountability/constant self-shaming helped, so I'm gonna give it another shot. 

I am currently the heaviest I've ever been. It sucks. I deserve better, my wife deserves better, our future children deserve better, and our cats deserve better. (I've been a terrible role model for Toby especially, who has been responsible for at least seven minor quakes in the Los Angeles area). And honestly, Amazonian manatees deserve better. They shouldn't have to shoulder the comparison. 

As when I began this blog, I am working on discarding not only my literal lard, but the figurative lard from my life. While I enjoy playing poker, the home games I've hosted since 2008 have taken their toll. Each week, my schedule is thrown off, I don't get enough sleep, which makes it hard to keep up on work, which makes it hard to carve out time for the gym. Not to mention all the nasty treatses that litter the black card table in the garage every Tuesday, tempting me with their evil deliciousness. But the home games are over as of this week, and I'm vowing to get more regular sleep, stick to a firmer schedule, get to the gym 4-5 days a week, and stop sucking up food into my face like I'm a human Bissell attachment. 

I am cutting out distractions. I've deleted all games from my phone, I'm not starting any new shows, and I'm going to start spending 20-30% less time shooting the shit with my co-workers (the cats again). I'm about two days away from completing the final draft on my novel, at which point I can get that sucker sold. And I have a couple projects up my sleeves which, while time-consuming, I feel will be important both in terms of productivity and self-gratification (the non-masturbation kind). So good things are on the horizon. 

There are so many things in my life that have fallen into place, or are getting there. What frustrates me is that I'm close to having a nearly perfect life - or as close to one as a person might reasonably hope - but most of the trouble areas that are keeping me from getting there are totally within my control. I just need to buckle down, focus, and continually remind myself of all the good that's well within reach. The problem is that all of that good stuff is on the same shelf as the Cheetos. 

Okay, so here we go. I want to lose 50 pounds. I would LOVE to lose 60, but let's just see how I look and feel after I've lost 50. I don't feel like posting my actual weight, so we'll call it "x". 

Here we go. 

Starting weight: x lbs

Day 0 weight: x lbs

Total loss: 0 lbs

500 Days of Blubber

Wow. Day 500. I've lost 21 pounds all told, but I still don't look as if I've been eating too many vegetables. Perhaps because I haven't.

This lard-discarding is a tough business. I've had ups and downs. The holidays have come and gone. But I'm at a bit of a standstill. And as we all know, standing still doesn't burn too many calories.

I've been hovering right around 200 pounds for a few months now. Granted, hovering is better than gaining, but I've still got about 30 pounds to lose, and the time is NOW.

I haven't blogged in a while, and for that I apologize. I was hoping to hold off until I reached a new low weight, per the parameters that I set for myself, but although I've come close a few times, I seem to be having trouble cracking that mark. I'm honestly not worried, though. I NEED to drop 30 more pounds before my wedding, and I'm going to see that it happens.

Oh yeah - I'm getting married. If you're reading this blog, you almost certainly already know me, and therefore already know this. But if you're some random happening upon this post after doing a Google search while writing your school paper on whale fat, then... well, then you probably don't care. But FYI, whale blubber is different from other forms of adipose tissue, which allows it to serve as a thermal insulater, which makes blubber essential for thermoregulation. Credit: whales.org. Now get outta here, kid - you're bothering me.

So I'm getting married. To Erin. If you haven't met her, you should. She's the bee's knees. In fact, she's better than that - she's the bee's kneecaps. But she'll leave me at the altar if I don't lose this weight. That's a lie - she wouldn't do that. Also a lie about there being an altar.

But I need to do it for ME. There is going to be some asshole taking pictures at this thing, and I might want to look back at these pictures years from now and be able to see Erin in some of them. I also don't want to feel as guilty when I eat OUR ENTIRE WEDDING CAKE.

So I'm GOING to do this. I won't take 'no' for an answer. Do or do not - there is no 'try.' I will climb every mountain. And other inspirational catchphrases.

But I have to stop making excuses. Easter is coming, but someone else is going to have to bite the heads off all the chocolate bunnies. There are birthdays coming up, but I will be bringing a snack lunch (or snack dinner, depending on the time of the party). Point being - I have been eating for 32 years... it's time to take a break. Before they turn me into the next new exhibit at Sea World.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 500 weight: 201.1 lbs
Total loss: 21.3 lbs

Hey, Holidays. IT'S ON.

All right, so it's been a couple weeks and I only have two-tenths of a pound to show for it. But here's what happened. I was kidnapped by terrorists who forced me to consume large quantities of trans fatty acids and processed beef products for days on end, and then strapped me down to a table so I couldn't exercise, even though I so dearly wanted to. Good news is I escaped, detoxified my body of said ill nutrition, and worked off the unwanted poundage. (Note: the terrorists went by the names of Laziness, Complacency and Munchies. A $100 reward is being offered for their seizure.)

The holidays are upon us, like a rabid, wild-eyed dog who's been chasing us for 15 city blocks. And that dog comes bearing gifts of chocolate and jam-filled pastries. It's ai-ight though. I'll be strong. I think. I'm about 80% sure I'll be strong. I just have to watch out for terrorists.

I'm going home in less than a month, and that won't be easy. Hopefully my mother (who is reading this post as we speak) won't be too crazy this year in terms of putting together her annual calorie spread on the kitchen counter. There's going to be deep dish pizza at some point - there's no getting around that - but maybe I can stop myself at half a pie this year. And maybe Santa will bring me liposuction infiltration tubing or a set of waist compression garments. LIKE I ASKED FOR LAST YEAR. Sheesh, Santa.

I have audition #2 at the Laugh Factory coming up on Tuesday, and then another stand-up contest in Burbank on the 28th. According to my personal timeline, I should be appearing on Conan some time in January, will be shooting my HBO special in early February, and then will be hosting the Oscars later that month. Wait, hold on - I forgot I'm planning a trip to Laughlin in early February. Better push the HBO special back to March.

No auditions in a while, even though I'm submitting myself every day. Unfortunately, most of the postings seem to be looking for someone who's in great shape, someone who's morbidly obese, or someone who's under 4'6". Seriously. If you're a little person and looking to kick-start your acting career, this is the place to be. There's a huge call for your kind at the moment.

Okay, this has been enough weird for one day.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 393 weight: 199.1 lbs
Total loss: 23.3 lbs

Tenth of a Ton

Well, ladies and gents, it took me just over a year to get here, but here I am at last: under 200 pounds for the first time in about 3 years!

I dropped my 23rd pound yesterday, after having a rough spot around the Halloween season. There were Lofthouse cookies and chocolate-covered pretzel candies and more - I did indeed put a few pounds back on, but I jumped right back on the horse (who groaned under the weight) and turned things around in a hurry!

I also watched the documentary Food, Inc. two nights ago. I strongly recommend this film to anyone looking to lose weight by NEVER EATING AGAIN. In all seriousness, it's one of those movies that really makes you look at things in a new light. I've been trying to make the move over to more organic and unprocessed foods for the past several months, but now I think I'm going to step it up even more. Fewer exceptions, less cheating. Delicious food, delicious though it may be, is just plain GROSS. Gross, scary and unsafe. And let's be honest here - the food we shouldn't be eating IS more delicious than its healthier counterparts (you're seriously deluding yourself if you think otherwise). The former is genetically engineered to be so. However, we shouldn't choose a certain path simply because it's more immedately gratifying. It's easier and more comfortable to remain seated on the couch than to get up and start moving, but we feel guilty when we bum around and there's a good reason for that. And as we also all know, it is highly inadvisable to follow many of our natural impulses - things that seem like they would be a good time but may have dire consequences, such as engaging in polygamous relationships, smoking drugs, and murder.

Anyway, feeling good, and even more cofident that the pounds will continue to come off. Only 199 more pounds to go before I'm invisible!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 377 weight: 199.3 lbs
Total loss: 23.1 lbs

Year One

Well, I did it. Since starting this blog exactly one year ago today, I am now officially hot and sexy.

Well, okay - hot, at least. In fact, I'm gonna turn on the air.

All right, so I still have a ways to go. I've made some great strides in many areas, and have a lot of work left to do in others. I was hoping to hit the 200 pound mark this morning, because the poetry of that would have been MIND-BLOWING, but I've had a rough few days, and have been sick since yesterday, so the working out has kind of taken a back seat to sneezing out all of my brain fluid. I'm confident I'll hit it soon, however, and boy oh boy just wait until you see the crazy-ass party I throw when THAT happens. Hint: there will be cupcakes.

Still, I'm 20 or so pounds lighter than when I started writing this, and while it's not as much as I had hoped, it IS substantial progress, and I'm finally moving steadily in the right direction without too much yo-yoing. And I'm getting stuck in far fewer revolving doors.

I have a lot of things in place that I didn't a year ago; the stand-up is taking off more than anything else, which I wouldn't have predicted. I also now have an agent and have had a couple of auditions recently, so maybe the acting side of things is about to experience a surge as well. However, I've been especially frustrated in the past few days - I heard back from both of the literary agents who had requested to read my manuscript, both of whom have decided to pass. I was just put on the availability list for a regional commercial and should hear soon - it would be awesome if I snagged that, but until I hear back, I still haven't booked a paying gig since I started submitting (granted, I have only been on 3 auditions, but that in itself is a bit aggravating). And, other than the money I won from the stand-up contest a couple months ago, I still haven't made ANY money following ANY of my pursuits since I began. That ain't good. I'm going to need to start turning that around REAL soon. If any of you have heard of any places to go where I might find a briefcase of money lying around, or one of those burlap sacks with the big dollar sign on it, please advise.

Anyway, I'm encouraged but presently a bit annoyed by my situation. I'm trying to concentrate on the positives, but the half-jew in me is continually looking for ways to focus on the negatives. I might also be putting a more upbeat spin on things if I wasn't currently swimming in a sea of used facial tissues.

Of course, if I had already accomplished all of my goals, there would be nothing left to write about! So there's the good news, my loyal reader. You get to keep being subjected to more of THIS.

The Human Body is Quite the Puzzle

Yesterday was Field Day. Sure, there was a bit of running around, but in the course of a single afternoon I downed a burger, a hot dog, a heaping spoonful of potato salad, a plethora of potato chips (yes, I know how much is a plethora), and a few sodas. It was basically a complete collapse. I have also not worked out for the past few days (I threw my neck out at an audition on Wednesday).

New low weight this morning. Go figure.

Who knows how that happened, but I'm at peace with it. Worked out this morning, have been eating healthy again, and am ready to pass the big 200.

I have now lost over 20 pounds! True, I'm averaging one pound lost every 17 days, but the way I figure, if I HADN'T been trying to lose weight in the past year, I probably would have PUT ON about 20. So in truth, this is roughly a 40-pound swing. And THAT, I feel, is pretty impressive.

Had a stand-up show last night, and have another tonight. Also got re-booked for the gig at Beso, Eva Longoria's restaurant, next Wednesday the 27th. My schedule is really filling up. I feel like Celine Dion. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.

I don't know what that means. Please disregard.

I've been writing more stand-up material lately. It's amazing, however, how you can write what feels like enough to fill three HBO comedy specials, and then you practice it in the mirror and you're through it before you've had a chance to finish your Twix bar. (That's a joke. I've never eaten a Twix bar.) Going to be trying a little bit of my new stuff tonight. I'm probably going to fuck it up. But that's just the optimist in me talking. You know what, forget it. Take out the 'probably.'

No response yet from the two literary agents who are looking over my manuscript. It's probably just taking them a while because they're trying to think of a way to break it to me that they're offering me a five-book deal and six-figure advance.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 361 weight: 201.3 lbs
Total loss: 21.1 lbs