Going Overboard

Cruises are evil.

Don't get me wrong - it's the best kind of evil. The kind of evil you want to jump right back into, spend more time with, get to know a little better. But when you're trying to not gain 150 pounds - they're downright dastardly.

It was one of the best trips I've ever taken, and I'm bummed as all get-out to be back home, but my oh my. Before you even get on the ship, US Customs offers you a plate of freshly baked brownies with vanilla ice cream. You can hardly turn them down, not after they give you that look.

Then, immediately after stepping aboard, you are roughly grabbed up by four burly stewards who hold you down while a fifth forces breakfast sausages and slices of New York strip steak down your gullet, massaging your neck to make sure you swallow.

Once you finally make it to your stateroom, you find plates upon glasses upon trays of various carb-traps and calorie-cocktails with notes affixed that say such things as "Eat this or face the consequences" and "Imbibe this or perish." You notice that an array of security cameras frequently pans across the sumptuous buffet to verify that you are indeed following their instructions.

And so forth.

All right, so I could have done worse. I did make a number of health-conscious choices here and there, although they were far outweighed by my large number of health-unconscious choices. I ate some salads, steered mainly clear of some common pitfalls such as burgers, pasta, and sausages (had only 3/4 of a hot dog over the course of the 5 days, and they practically grew on the walls like ivy), and did exhibit some degree of portion control (only once went up for seconds at the buffet, and often left food on my plate).

We did a little bit of walking, especially in Ensenada and Cabo, but surely not enough to work off our food babies. Now that I'm (mostly) over my cold, I'm going to start stairclimbing and treadmilling the pounds right off.

I got home a couple of hours ago, and I'll be honest - I haven't weighed myself. I'm afraid to. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and get the bad news, but I'm concerned that I've put on everything I'd lost.

I'm just trying to focus on the fact that weight that is put on more quickly than usual can generally be taken off more quickly than usual, and gosh dang it I am going to make that happen. It's back to making smart choices and treating my body right.

But it sure was fun while it lasted.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 21 weight: Somewhere between 200 and 300 lbs
Total loss: -27.6 lbs, +/- 50 lbs

I'm Going to Be in Deep Ship

Erin and I are driving down to San Diego tonight, and then we're leaving on our cruise tomorrow! Boy, is that going to be good for my diet!

My goal over the next 5 days is not to lose but to maintain. Even if I gain a pound or two, I'm not going to beat myself up over it - I would consider it a victory. This is going to be like an alcoholic trying to get clean in a brewery.

Anyway, not sure if I'll have the ability to post over the next 5 days, but if I can, I will! Wish me luck!

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 15 weight: 215.7 lbs
Total loss: 6.7 lbs

I'm Writing This Blog Post on Codeine

Please forgive me if this one's a little unfocused or nonsensical. Like - more than usual. I went to the doctor today and he prescribed me a cough syrup with Codeine. My head keeps wanting to hit the monitor. Keep it together, head. You'll be in bed soon enough.

I wonder how many points this cough syrup is. It's syrup, after all. That can't be good.

Well... turns out that was one heavy half-donut. I gained over a pound. But I'm trying to keep in mind that a person's weight naturally bounces around quite a bit, and I'm not going to record a loss every single day, no matter how hard I try, unless I start sawing off limbs. All I can do is be twice as good the next day. And it's not like I really blame the entire pound on that donut. I also had a cookie.

I know. I should be slapped.

It doesn't help that I've been sick and working out has not been a consideration for the past week. Once I start feeling better, I'm hitting the gym. HARD. I'm determined to become a beefcake, rather than someone who looks like they've been eating one.

In other news, I registered for a Writer's Market VIP package, which includes access to 8,000 markets, a subscription to Writer's Digest, etc. I'm ready to do this thing. Gonna be a famous writer, y'all.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 14 weight: 216.9 lbs
Total loss: 5.5 lbs

The Call of the Donut

I just ate half of a donut.

I couldn't help it. I'm trying to assuage my distress over the situation by reminding myself that at least I didn't eat the whole donut. Or worse - multiple donuts. And at least it wasn't jelly-filled.

Regardless, I am now beating myself up. Can't do stuff like that. Or if I do, only once every so often. As pennance, I will have a salad for lunch, eat soup for dinner, and flagellate myself without mercy for 15 minutes with a cat o' nine tails.

HOWEVER. Other than that, I've kept on task the last couple days and have dropped another near-pound. Yay me.

This blog is really short today. I'm sorry. I just don't have that much to say.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 13 weight: 215.6 lbs
Total loss: 6.8 lbs

My Eyeball Wants Out

Not sure why, but my right eyeball has felt bruised and sore for the past 24 hours. Did someone punch me in the face? If so, please come forward. No questions asked.

I racked up another 500 or so frequent matzoh miles yesterday with yet another trip to Solley's, this time to pick up soup for both myself and my girlfriend, who is now also sick. We'd better get well by Saturday. Cruise yo.

Just had a salad for lunch - went easy on the dressing. But then ate a bunch of almonds. Not a bunch - a herd. Heard of what? Herd of almonds. Of course I've heard of almonds, everyone's heard of almonds. No, I mean an almond herd. I don't care if an almond heard, I didn't say anything to be ashamed of.

Haven't weighed myself today, but I've been pretty good, so I'm not dreading the number on the scale too much at the moment. Right now, I'm finding the number on the clock more upsetting...

I keep forgetting to do my neck exercises in the morning and at night, but I've started doing them at stoplights. Probably freaking the hell out of the people stopped next to and behind me, but ah well. My neck comes first, the perception of strangers comes second.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 12 weight: unknown
Total loss: wish I could tell you

Changing My Relationship With Food

Me: Hey, food... um... can we talk?
Food: You sound weird - should I be worried?
Me: No, no... I mean, we just need to talk, that's all.
Food: O... kay...
Me: So, as you know, I've been trying to make some changes in my life. Get a fresh start, get back in touch with the old me...
Food: The old you was fat, too.
Me: Touche. No, but seriously, I think... I think I need some space.
Food: What?
Me: Don't... look, don't... freak out, okay? I still want to see you. I just think it would do us both some good if we took a little more time apart.
Food: But I don't want time apart. I like being in your belly.
Me: That's... ew. Don't talk like that.
Food: It's true. I can't help how I feel.
Me: You're... food.
Food: THAT DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T HAVE FEELINGS!
Me: Actually, it does.
Food: I can't talk to you when you're like this.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 11 weight: 216.8 lbs
Total loss: 5.6 lbs

My Vitamins Are Confused

So I bought a bottle of "One A Day" vitamins. Only here's the kicker - the serving size is two. Figure that one out, Stephen Hawking.

Well, I wasn't fabulous on Halloween, but I suppose I could have been worse. I had a few beverages, had a bit of crab dip and chicken rice soup at the Castle. The real trouble started when my friends Mary, Ryan and Ashlee and I left a party to swing by Ralphs for some snacks. We got spinach dip (vegetable), potato skins (vegetable), and mozzarella sticks (shaped like some vegetables). We noshed on those while watching a scary movie (It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown).

Side note: who did the kid doing the voice of Charlie Brown have to sleep with to get that job? He was truly awful - seriously. He should be shot. (I am only able to say that in good conscience because I do not know him personally. If I actually met the guy, he might have a really sweet personality, and I would feel differently.)

Still feeling a bit under the weather, and I unfortunately used that as an excuse to completely blow the day away. While watching football this morning, I entered a 1,482 player play money 5 card draw poker tournament online. I finished 2nd. Bummer. I had a nice chip lead heads up, too. Sure would have been nice to have my complete waste of time be somewhat legitimized.

I said 'somewhat.'

I just got done doing 10 minutes of neck exercises. That's all well and good, but now I need to make sure that I keep doing them. Right after I wake up in the morning, right after work, and right before bed. Don't forget, me!

I have prepared a submission to a literary agent and will mail it out tomorrow. Even if I can send out only one a week, at least that will be progress...

Speaking of progress, went in the wrong direction weight-wise yesterday, but that's okay. It was a holiday, after all. A holiday rife with temptation. I'll take it back off in a jiffy.

Went grocery shopping today - got eggs, carrots, almonds, a couple of salads, etc. Good boy.

Starting weight: 222.4 lbs
Day 10 weight: 217.6 lbs
Total loss: 4.8 lbs